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Old 06-10-2012, 12:28 PM
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Default Re: Fear of the Dark {Short Story/One-Shot}

Hehehe, time to do some editing :D


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xD There is no need to put it in a spoiler, dude. This is the writing section. You post your writing, so people are gonna expect long posts. In saying that though, that's not a long post at all, so yeah, no need to put it in spoiler brackets. ^^
I thought it'd make it look neat and organised - plus it gives people the chance to read my 'lil note thing at the bottom. I like making things neat and pretty :3


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Neither of those two end commas need to be there. "Same" isn't really a describing word; if it was, and it was followed by another describing word, then it would, but it isn't, so it doesn't need one. The second comma is redundant because you don't put a comma between the adjective and the noun you're describing.
I wanted to break the sentence up to create emphasis - to make it as if you were reading/feeling the beat. Looking back at it now, I see that it looks... wrong xP What if I were to have this?


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that same - repetitive - beat.
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You used "forever" twice here in a very short span of words, and to avoid repeats, try to keep a lookout for them.
Ah - icky icky poo poo - I think I missed that Dx I'll fix that ASAP


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Both of those commas should be semicolons, because "I would be engulfed entirely" and "I would be drawn into Its jaws of eternal nightmares" are separate sentences, as indicated by the fact that both can stand on their own as separate sentences. There is nothing to join them, and the use of a comma does not do so. In instances like this, you need to join the sentence with something like an "and" or a "but" or you could change the comma to a semicolon or a period. Note that I won't repeatedly point out where you made the comma error, so I advise that you go through the writing and make the appropriate amends. ^^
You see, semi-colons have always stumped me - I can use them successfully in some cases, but in others I just cannot get that lightbulb above my head saying "Here! Put one here!" ._. Thanks for giving me those pointers P:


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The N in "Nothingness" doesn't need to be capitalised, not unless it's referring to something like Hell or Oblivion or something--a specific place that would make sense for its first letter to be a capital.
Seeing as I wanted it to be the genre of Fantasy, I thought that'd I'd give a name for the place the narrator would be taken to. Completely done on purpose P:


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I thought it was interesting you capitalised the I in "It" every time you referred to the beast. Is it to make it more...not personal, but something along those lines? Characterise it a bit more?
I wanted the reader to recognise It as, not only being a creature, but a being whose very presence is feared enough that it has to be named. Also, it made it seem more mysterious rather than naming it "Bob" or "Clive" or something - "It" seemed sinister and vague.


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I'm curious as to what that beast was, though, and WHY that guy was silly enough to go out to that place if he knew he would probably be killed.
I wanted to give across the idea that, within this story, it was extremely dangerous to go outside - hence the appearance of It. Being apart from the one you love, when you need to apologise to them and you feel like you need to be their protector, urges the narrator to take the risk - when would an opportunity ever arise to safely travel outside? Emotions affect judgement and thoughts - hence his recklessness in trying to get to his love.

You see, love ruins everything xD


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But yeah, nice work. ^^ I liked it.
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now I must slaughter all errors within my work, edit them and make the piece itself near perfection :P

Thank you so much for the feedback! :D

~Sealboyno1
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