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Old 06-10-2012, 01:52 AM
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Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
Join Date: Nov 2007
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Default Re: Fear of the Dark {Short Story/One-Shot}

xD There is no need to put it in a spoiler, dude. This is the writing section. You post your writing, so people are gonna expect long posts. In saying that though, that's not a long post at all, so yeah, no need to put it in spoiler brackets. ^^

Everything I was doing, every thought I created, was repeating that same, repetitive, beat.
Neither of those two end commas need to be there. "Same" isn't really a describing word; if it was, and it was followed by another describing word, then it would, but it isn't, so it doesn't need one. The second comma is redundant because you don't put a comma between the adjective and the noun you're describing. Otherwise it would be like,
I looked at the green, grass.
XD Wrong.

and to just stay there, forever, as if I would be forever high on the drug that was the beat.
You used "forever" twice here in a very short span of words, and to avoid repeats, try to keep a lookout for them.

But this wouldn't happen, It wouldn't happily take me away to the source. I would be engulfed entirely, I would be drawn into Its jaws of eternal nightmares.
Both of those commas should be semicolons, because "I would be engulfed entirely" and "I would be drawn into Its jaws of eternal nightmares" are separate sentences, as indicated by the fact that both can stand on their own as separate sentences. There is nothing to join them, and the use of a comma does not do so. In instances like this, you need to join the sentence with something like an "and" or a "but" or you could change the comma to a semicolon or a period. Note that I won't repeatedly point out where you made the comma error, so I advise that you go through the writing and make the appropriate amends. ^^

I was filled with so much fear, with so much horror, that I was too afraid to look at Its face just before I was engulfed into Nothingness.
The N in "Nothingness" doesn't need to be capitalised, not unless it's referring to something like Hell or Oblivion or something--a specific place that would make sense for its first letter to be a capital.

But yeah, apart from that, it was pretty cool! I don't think it was dark, really. xD But that's just me. I thought it was interesting you capitalised the I in "It" every time you referred to the beast. Is it to make it more...not personal, but something along those lines? Characterise it a bit more?

I liked that rhythm thing. That was probably my favourite thing about this. It was quite hypnotic and I liked the idea. So well done for that. ^^ I'm curious as to what that beast was, though, and WHY that guy was silly enough to go out to that place if he knew he would probably be killed. I mean, he could have apologised to that girl another time. xD (Not saying this is a flaw with your story at all! Just meaning that he didn't think things out very well, but that's the point of the story, I guess. xD) It was also cool that the beast was really mysterious and unidentifiable to start with. I actually wondered if this was a mental thing, and if the beast (or simply "It" at that point) was a metaphor for something psychological.

But yeah, nice work. ^^ I liked it.

Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.
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