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Old 05-30-2012, 03:44 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Hiding from metal coats...
Posts: 6,989
Default Re: Through the Eyes of a Flareon ~ [PG] - Book Two

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO You got another chapter up!

Quote:
I turned my head away from the houndoom, or ‘Idiot.’ He hardly, if at all, deserved anything more dignifying.
Nice nickname. XD
Quote:
They quietly reminded me of fins of pokémon that wanted to feel the steady breeze stroke their skin—something they were deprived of underwater. I reminded myself that I was thankful for a life on land.
That definitely makes sense, considering she's a fire type. XD I bet the aquatic pokemon feel the same way about their live in the water; living on land would probably seem really weird to them.

Quote:
She sighed as she marvelled at the sight before her, noting that their journey through this part was to be a short one; by nightfall they would be well away from the beautiful trees as they neared the enormous mountains. Their frostiness stretched across rocky terrain as a slope built up to flat ground and dipped into a valley. She knew the valley’s paths split into several directions through the mountains and was home to many caves and rough routes.
I really loved how you described that!

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I thought the stalker without a reason to stalk somebody who, I might add, has no desire to be stalked, would be the pokémon considered foolish.”
French Bob... XDDDDDDDD

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He was a dark red stain of pure annoyance, like a jabbing toothpick in her side, which she had originally found slightly disappointing, but had figured that not many others were as mature as she.
Stains, toothpicks, original, slightly, disappointing, and mature. Great use of dark vocabulary! :D

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The prospect would hardly come as a surprise to her, though, and silently she was thankful that he was incapable of any such ability as cloning himself.
I don't want to know what Dusty Clone would be like. XD

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she was pushed from its embrace it like she was never there.
Random 'it'!

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and watched as a mountain turned from a spiked lump of land below to a detailed expanse of angled land whose elements grew in size as she neared.
You used land twice, and it was kinda redundant.


While not a lot happened here plot-wise, I thought it was really interesting! And of course, not every chapter has to be a plot filled one. This one definitely made me interested to see what happened next, and really interested in Tarla's character (as well as her flock and sister, too).

I loved how the houndoom, or "Idiot" as Dusty called him, completely didn't care that he knocked both her and himself over. The fact that he just didn't care is so amusing. XD And I really like how Dusty is starting to realize how bad keeping that secret from everyone was. I can understand that if she wasn't thinking straight about it, it would seem like it was her problem - or that her side of the problem and how it was difficult for her would be all that she could see at the time - and that now that she's thinking about it more, she's starting to see that it wasn't her burden at all. And I like how she realized that what she had tried to before and what she thought didn't make a lot of sense.

I also really love the name "Torqueal Forest". And you included one of your fakemon in here! *remembers the krinar picture from DA* I liked that you did that!

Tarla's past/memories were really interesting. I'm really curious about that flock and why they had changed the way they did. The way you described her being forced over the cliff was very intense, and I liked the details you included, such as how the altarias' wings seemed harmless at a glance, but were actually really dangerous to her. I thought the music was very fitting for this scene as well.

I thought it was sad that she considered herself as having betrayed them, when it definitely seems to me like the flock is far more the traitor. I like how you described her last look at her sister; it was very sad and well written.

I liked how you described her mixed feelings about the mountains and about returning to them. I'm curious as to what will happen there. And it was interesting that she feared what would happen if she DID see her sister again, and what the circumstances would be, and I understand why she would.

I also liked the second flashback where she was flying alone, and how she thought about her sister and wished she could have come with her. I really wonder where her sister is now. The music fit really well with this scene too; it set the perfect mood.

I wonder what happened with that strange cave in the pokemon. Obviously she didn't die (XDDD) but I'm wondering how she got out of that, and what that was all about in the first place!

Anyway, I think this was a great chapter and it was interesting to read. I'm very curious to see where this goes from here!
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