View Single Post
Old 05-05-2012, 04:39 PM
WinterVines's Avatar
WinterVines Offline
Ultra RPG Official
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 248
Default Re: Meet My Evil Twin (am I meant to say 'ready' here?)

Originally Posted by Brainiac View Post
Yeah, someone can grade this if they want.
Twin of Evil Grade

Here it is.


Intro: Your intro is kind of sudden, but I like that it started with a piece of dialogue. That's a good way to start off a story, especially if it's not entirely that action packed, like this one. For Simple, what you have works out just fine.

It also introduces what the fic is going to be about right away. That works for straight forward stories like this. In a longer fic/one of a different genre, there's the option of starting out with some sudden action, or even creating a mysterious scene to create interest. Here, I don't think that would've worked, but it's something to note for your future stories. Usually a crafty piece of dialogue can do that, which would be similar to how you started here.

Plot: The story is fairly simple in idea, revolving around a battle by two brothers who apparently dislike each other while having an intense rivalry.

For Simple, this worked just fine. I liked that the battle wasn't one-sided, because that would've put me off of it. Instead, it showed that Mike was probably the calmer (and maybe better) battler, while Luc was striving to overcome that while getting in a few good shots here and there. It made sense, and I liked that.

The best part was how you ended it. You didn't say which brother was the victor, and that was perfect. I think that was very crafty. You make the reader think that way, and that lets them imagine their own ending to the story. It also will cause that feeling of something similar to upset when they don't know the answer. It's fun to make readers squirm. Point is, you make them feel something.

I do sort of wonder about their relationship, though. I would've liked to see more of why they dislike each other so much. Luc mentions a couple things, but I'm still left wondering about Mike's side. How did the babysitting thing happen? Are they old enough to need that now? Further, in the end, you say the winner is leaving for good. Are they leaving on an adventure? Running away from home? What/how exactly is he leaving? Does it have something to do with why they were in the plaza in the first place?

Just a few things to think about. I hope you write more stories about these two. For Simple, this filled all the requirements it needed to.

Detail/Description: I really liked the detail you included. For Simple, you don't need too much, but the stuff you did include was very well done. You introduced what the characters looked like right away (of course, made a little easier by the fact that they're twins XD), and you didn't skip describing the Pokemon.

What I liked best, however, was your attention to realism. Cade couldn't use Dig very well because there were cobblestones under him, and that's pretty cool. A lot of people forget stuff like that, but you hit it. It was the same with the green blood on the bug. I would imagine that a lot of them get cut and bruised when they battle, and you did a nice job of highlighting that fact. The moves used by the Pokemon were also paid attention too, and I appreciate that as well. A lot of people miss that.

What I would've liked to see more of was the environment. What did the plaza look like? Was there a fountain? You mentioned the cobblestones, but what else was there? The crowd was watching too. Did they cheer or gasp at all?

Overall you did very well. Definitely above par for Simple rank.

Grammar/Mechanics: Nothing much to say here, which is really relieving. It let me just enjoy the story, so good job on that.

I will mention just a couple things to note, though. One is unneeded commas. This didn't come up that often, but it might've just been because the story is short, so just in case:
...pair to watch, or departing all together.
In this one, that comma is unnecessary. Remember that you only need a common before a conjunction when it connects two independent sentences together. You don't use one when you just name two things (like you did here).

Another one to be wary of is run-on sentences. Again, not a big deal, but they're easy to miss:
Mike sighed and pulled his own Pokéball from his left pocket and released the Pokémon inside.
Since Mike is doing so many things, they could be made into a list with commas. Or they could be split up. Sometimes writing sentences like this is done on purpose, but I don't think that was the case here. Just be careful if you do use this technique, since it makes sentences seem long-winded and look grammatically incorrect. I actually recommend not using it unless for a really good reason.

Length: Nincada is Simple rank, so that means 5-10k is the goal. I counted 7,202, so you're good to go.

Reality/Miscellaneous: Nothing really stood out as being out of place here. There was one instance, however, where you said Luc had blue eyes. At the end you said Luc had gold eyes while Mike had silver. This could be some kind of metaphor/allusion to HG/SS perhaps? If it was, that wasn’t exactly clear, so watch out with the wording. I did like this, though, since it contrasted the two battlers even more. I'm thinking the blue was just a typo.

On a side note, a lot of the time you referred to both Nincada as it, while their names suggest they have genders. I do this all of the time too. It might have helped clarify which bug was which when in the battle if you had used gender-specific pronouns, but you did a good job of differentiating them anyway.


All of your areas were very well done. Definitely enough for Simple rank.

Nincada: Captured

Feel free to IM/VM/PM me if you have any questions about anything. Enjoy your new mon ^^



“Ooooh, can we go by the Butterfree exhibit dad?” Chain asked. “I just love when they tickle my nose.”
-"Day at the Zoo" by Bumblebee

Ask me to Ref or be your Ranger. AIM: WinterVines
Reply With Quote