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Old 04-23-2012, 08:30 AM
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Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
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Default Re: Blowing Smoke (PG-13)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
Realizing that it was the sound of the metal gate screeching open I went to jump to my feet when I realized that my wrists had been cuffed behind my back, making it incredibly hard just to raise myself up off the floor with only my hind legs.
Um... Quilava are quadrupeds. It would be physically impossible for a quilava's front legs to be tied backwards behind its back. The joints would snap, and there would be horrible, terribly excruciating pain accompanying it. It makes me uncomfortable reading this. Dx

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
“No sudden moves, thief. If I see as much as a puff of smoke out of that foul mouth of yours, and I’ll cut you to pieces, got it?” I could sense distain in the deep voice of the man who stood before me, and as my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I was able see that I was dealing with a Sceptile.
...Man? I hope by the mention of a man that the quilava assumed it was a human before recognising him as a sceptile. Because otherwise, uhh...well, pokemon would not refer to each other as 'men' and 'women' because they aren't humans.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
“Just remember chump, I’d burn you down to nothing but ashes if we were in any other situation.”
There should be a comma before 'chump' because 'chump' is the name the sceptile is referring to the quilava as.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
Figuring that the slap I had received didn’t hurt that bad, and my captor was still doing the intimidation spiel, I figured I’d try to get under his skin a bit. “Those idiots had it coming to them. If they had just handed over the goods like we told them to, they would’ve lived.”

I could see the oversized gecko’s agitation building, and it made me grin with satisfaction. “They were too stupid to give up, and too weak to save their own lives. Who would care about a pathetic bunch of losers like them anyway?”
These two paragraphs have no need to be separated; after all, it is the same character speaking on both lines.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
I’m not just going to stand here, and listen to you disgrace my sister!” With his voice booming loudly, the Sceptile reeled back, and delivered a punch to my stomach with all his might.
You don't need to have that comma there because there is an 'and.' Same with the other sentence with the comma and the and. Also, forgive me for being petty, but I don't imagine a punch would be a sceptile's first attack preference.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
I could feel my pain tolerance finally be exceeded,
This is an awkward sentence arrangement. Try something like, "I could feel my pain tolerance finally exceeding its limit" or something instead.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
“You son of a *****, I’ll kill you, I don’t even care about guild!”
Asterisks in the place of words ruin the flow of the story. I would suggest "bi*ch" or something instead, as that's what I tend to do. And those commas should be periods or semicolons because before and after them are separate sentences. They would only be right with a comma if they were joined with words like 'and.' If what is either side of a comma can stand on its own as a sentence, the comma should be a semicolon or a period. Or another type of sentence-ending punctuation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
With your twisted sense of justice, and corrupted ways, your nothing but a scar on the face of this beautiful world.”
your should be you're because it's short for you are.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
To my amusement, the oversized gecko choked a bit as he spoke, having to breath in the tainted air around him.
breath should be breathe.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
Why would you have the key to the gate, unless…”
That's a question, so it needs a question mark.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
The pink skinned sheep sighed softly, looking down at the stone floor under our feet.
XDDDDDDDD I read that as a sheep who was skinned and pink. You better add a hyphen between 'pink' and 'skinned.' XD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
“Look Velvet, I told you before, we gave those people every chance we could to hand over what we wanted, but they refused.”
Since he's addressing her, there needs to be a comma before her name. Also, after 'before' there should be a colon or a semicolon, because what he says relates, but it is a sentence on its own and a comma would be incorrect punctuation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
“No.” The fluffy sheep shook her head before glaring up at me. “No, Mia. That’s just not acceptable… Killing people just isn’t right, I don’t care what the reason is. That’s why I don’t feel right about what happened to your father, and…” Pausing for a moment, Velvet seemed to contemplate something in her mind.

“T-that’s why I’m going to give you a second chance… but only if your guild stops killing people. You know I don’t care that you’re thieves, but I refuse to help you out if you continue to be associated with a group of murderers. Now that your father is gone, you should be able to convince them to stop, shouldn’t you?”
They don't need to be separated. xD Again, it's the same character speaking, so separating the paragraphs is unnecessary.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
“I know your right Velvet, and I tell you what…
your should be you're.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
Wrapping my arms around her, I gave her a tight hug before we both turned our attention to the metal gate that lead out of the chamber.
Uhh...he's a quilava. They don't have "arms." They have front legs. O.o And they certainly can't hug things. Dx

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
“Lets get out of this dump” I scowled.
You need a comma after 'dump.'

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
“ I didn’t know this town even had a prison,
Random space before "I."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
Were underground, just at the edge of the forest to the east side of town.
This should be we're, because it's an abbreviation of 'we are.'

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
Where do you think your going, thief?!”
your should be you're...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
So your saying he’s not a murderer? Then what of the family claiming he killed their daughter? The Sceptile who was here just yesterday, his sister was said to have been killed by this same Pokémon.”
You missed the opening quotation marks. And you wrote your instead of you're again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
Now that Brimstone has passed away, don’t you think he deserves a second chance at life? A life without that man corrupting him?”
...Brimstone was not a man... He's a pokemon... O_o

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
The prison guard seemed to think for himself for a moment before turning to Velvet once again. “And you say that he is going to stop the thieves guild from killing any more townsfolk? How can you be sure of this?” Velvet placed her paws on her hips, looking confidently at the Kabutops. “Because I’m going to their guild with him, and I’ll make sure he keeps his promise!”
You have two characters speaking on the same line here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miasma View Post
The prison guard spoke lowly as we made our way to the front door. “If she has as much as a scratch on her when she comes back, I’ll have your head, thief. You hear me?” Turning my head to look over my shoulder, I nodded at him. “Yeah, I know. Nobody is going to hurt her while she’s with me, I promise you that.”
And again here.

There were many more errors than that, but they were repetitive, so I figure that, with the advice I gave you about the ones I did point out (such as "your" instead of "you're" and the fact that there doesn't need to be commas if the following word is "and" (not always, but a lot of where you put it), and also the fact that you need to know when to replace your commas with semicolons or periods. I would suggest looking it up. When Velvet was talking to that kabutops about letting Miasma escape, she was not making sense with her punctuation. xD I didn't bother to quote it through, as, like I said, I hoped you could fix it on your own.

I'm confused why you're acting like they're all humans. They're not. They're pokemon. And therefore you need to keep in mind that they generally don't hug or kiss the way we do, unless they're bipedal. But a quilava is a quadruped, as I pointed out, so you need to consider the way their joints work as well as the fact that front legs are not "arms." You also constantly refer to pokemon as men, or a "person," when those words are to describe humans. You also refer to pokemon as an animal, such as the "oversized gecko" (which got pretty repetitive) instead of "the oversized gecko pokemon," since pokemon aren't animals, but animal-like. I mean, pokemon could be considered under the umbrella of animals, but I meant that they are not types of already existing animals, like variations. They are pokemon. Keep this in mind.

All grammatical errors and rants out the way, I'm curious about this story. The main character, although I don't like him so far, seems interesting, and I'd like to know about the guild, and what made him the way he is. Velvet is a huge sucker. xD She is totally way too trusting, and I'm sure that'll get her into a lot of trouble. Miasma is an awesome name, by the way. And I just know he'll get into more trouble, and probably kill more pokemon (NOT "PEOPLE" XD). Obviously he's part of a thieves guild or something, and maybe their original policy is not to kill (if you play the Elder Scrolls games then I'll say it reminds me of the Thieves Guild's rules in Oblivion/Skyrim), but maybe Brimstone (which is also a cool name) was the head of the guild and changed the rules...or he could have been a normal member and just gone against the regulations with his son.

The sceptile thing made me sad... I certainly would react similarly to him if my sister (if I had one xD) had been killed. It's so cocky and...agitating (which is a good thing if that's what you were going for XD) that Miasma was mocking him about it, and doesn't see it as any kind of wrongdoing. I really wonder what that will get him into, and like I said, what made him that way. I kind of get the feeling he's a hero and a villain in one, so I'd love to know where you're going to go with the story with him as the protagonist! And I hope I'll get to like him a bit better too. XD

I would highly, highly advise you heed my advice and edit this chapter to the perfection that it could be. I really hope to see these improvements implemented at some stage, and I hope that my advice made sense and can help you to improve!

Keep it up.

~GS.
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