Thread: [Pokemon] Survival Project
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Old 04-19-2012, 06:14 AM
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Default Re: Survival Project

Quote:
Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
Every child always talked on and on about how they imagined their first day as a trainer ever since they learned about the idea of going out, raising all of their favorite creatures and making friends, and becoming so free, so independent, so strong.
It sounds like he's always around children, which doesn't really add up considering he lives in the wild, not in a town. I would just add a quick specification of something along the lines of "Every child who travelled through my clan's territory" before continuing the sentence or something.

Quote:
Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
Maybe his parents forbid him to go, but he went anyway,
forbid should be forbade, because of the tense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
I was sure that here was some good in everyone,
here should be there.

Those are the only errors I could find.

In all honesty, when I began reading this, up to where Senori fainted, I couldn't say that I was enjoying it. I think I was confused. It was interesting, and I was curious to know why everything had happened that way, but I was finding myself really disliking that boy. And the fact that Senori didn't stand up for himself (I assume Senori is a male xD) and instead allowed himself to be beaten. Although, as I said, it got me interested to read on. I was curious to know about this situation. And don't worry--I do like the story. XD

I found it intriguing that Senori didn't fight. He thought. He stood there, while supposed to be on watch, but he was completely incapable of carrying out any kind of harm or putting up a defence. It was a little frustrating to read because I was like, "Defend yourself, sentret! Defend yourself! DDx Come on! Don't let him beat you up!" (But obviously it was meant to be that way, so I'm saying you did that well. xD) I felt sorry for him, but at the same time, it felt like he wasn't even trying. He was letting his mind get in the way of his actions, and not in the right way. As in, he could have thought up a quick strategy, but instead he was too caught up in his own thoughts and questions that surely wouldn't help him at the time to do anything. It's a really interesting character flaw... I also loved that I had a hard time picturing exactly what was happening, because from Senori's point of view, things were clouded with confusion, even if his vision wasn't literally. His muddle of confused and jumbled thoughts was perfect for what you did and didn't see--detail. Everything happened so fast that he couldn't register everything, even though the process felt really slow and drawn-out, but I know that was because of all his thoughts. And maybe he tends to do that--even if something happens really rapidly, he might view it as something slow and not so abrupt, even if that only means allowing him the time to think many things, as opposed to being able to act in that time. Which is really cool... And yeah, I just loved that we basically saw everything from his point of view, and the way it was written was really effective.

I really, really don't like Sai. He does not seem like the type of person I would involve myself with in real life, and same goes for a character. As in, he's a great character for a story, but personally I think he's a bully. >:c The first part was that he attacked a helpless sentret out of the blue. He didn't give him a chance to prepare; he just attacked him head-on. He gave him plenty of chances to fight back, but when it was apparent that Senori wasn't going to fight back, he kept pushing, as if trying to ignite some kind of fire that would make the sentret want to defend himself. And yet it didn't, so Sai's display of frustration shined through. He seemed really frustrated that the pokemon he was targeting wouldn't fight back. Disappointed too. And impatient, which explains his attacks. He was hoping that he could change this sentret's mind and force him to retaliate.

SOMETHING I DIDN'T LIKE (and generally if I "don't like" something I mean from a personal feelings of the characters point of view, as opposed to criticising your writing or the story) WAS THAT SENORI THOUGHT IT WAS WRONG TO FIGHT HUMANS. >:F Dude! Dx He attacked you first! *pouty child face* I feel like Senori is really respectful of others, including this random guy who attacked him, and that seems so...sad. Dx And wrong. I really wanna just jump into your story and be like, "Humans attacking pokemon is wrong. If pokemon attacking humans is, then what makes the other way around okay? Dx Silly sentret... But yeah, it makes it more intense when I'm all like, "Come oooonnnn! Dx" XD

I also find their speech really interesting. And the way Sai acts is very intriguing. I know there has to be a reason behind his foul attitude, and I'm extremely curious to find that out. I dislike him now, and I know that whatever happened to him won't be any kind of excuse for his behaviour, but I still really wanna know. So I'm looking forward to learning of that. ^^ And as for Senori, I would like to know of his clan and why they are so disapproving of him. o: And what that "incident" he talked about was, and how it affected things (seemingly for the worse). Sai's lack of knowledge is also really interesting... It's another thing that makes me wonder about his past. And why he seems so determined to do things the "correct way." It makes me wonder if he suffered some childhood imperfections that he feels he needs to mend by doing everything right...maybe to please his parents or something. In a way that might be like Senori, who wanted to prove that he was useful and gain some love from his family. Still though, Sai's past does NOT excuse the abuse, and the negligence of his first pokemon's health, wellbeing and feelings. It kind of annoys me that Senori doesn't stand up for himself and protest against his new trainer's harsh ways, especially as he strips the pokemon of his free will. I always imagined what it would be like for a pokemon with a family and other duties who is taken from their life to follow and suddenly become faithful to a trainer.

One thing I've always felt irked about was the whole being allowed to leave for a pokemon journey at the age of ten. That's a downside - that you chose to include that in this story - but if there's some reason behind it or if somehow ten year olds can actually manage a solo life of imminent danger and endless problems for some reason or another, then okay... It is a preference, but I think TEN is just...like...ridiculous. Ten year olds don't even make their own sandwiches. How can they expect to lead a solo life with nothing but their starter pokemon to aid them? I can only imagine that about 90% of ten year olds that start a pokemon journey would either die in the early days of travel, or return home after a few days, starved, exhausted and brimming with sadness. It's just not possible for a ten year old to deal with a journey. I mean, I'm eighteen and I can't imagine moving out, let alone starting on this journey with nobody else but a weak pokemon that cannot protect me, as well as having to find my own food, shelter, and just knowing things about the world... Dx Anyway, sorry for the rant.

Well, I'll be sure to keep updated with this, and I'm looking forward to knowing what you do with it! 8D Good luck and keep writing. ^^

~GS.
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