View Single Post
  #2  
Old 03-06-2012, 12:05 AM
EmBreon's Avatar
EmBreon Offline
Killjoy
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: <insert funny>
Posts: 4,492
Send a message via AIM to EmBreon Send a message via MSN to EmBreon
Default Re: Pokemon Blaze Black (ready for grading!)

Hey there, buddy. :D Sorry you've had to wait so long.

Story: Hm, the innocent and cheerful mood of this put a smile on my face. The plot itself though, seemed to be an exact copy of the Pokemon games. Something we look for here in URPG Stories is creativity and originality. 'Starting Trainer' fics, while fine in themselves, get to be pretty monotonous because they have been written so many times. I'm sure you have played the games enough to have witnessed this story repeated yourself, huh? ;P

One of the things I love so much about Pokemon, is their diversity. There are so many of them, and a single one can provide a large array of inspiration. You could do a Goldilocks spin-off with a trio of Ursaring, take your adventure to a lost cave full of Zubat, or use the entire world of them as your muse. I, personally, love writing because of the fact that the possibilities are infinite. As an author, you are the Almighty Overlord (>:D) and anything you wish to craft is your decision alone.

If you decide to pursue a Pokemon at a higher difficulty ranking in the future, take some more time to invent a story that is uniquely your own.

Grammar: It was a bit splotchy. ^^; Your spelling was nearly perfect, but a lot of things were not capitalized. Remember to use capitals when starting a new sentence.

Also, if multiple people are speaking, each person's quote should have its own paragraph. For instance:

Quote:
As soon as I came out, I saw the Professor waiting for me at the lab, "Luke!" she said, "over here!" I walked to the lab, asking "hello professor, what did you need my help with?". she replied: "There has been a mass outbreak of pokémon from other regions in Unova. I'm going to entrust you with your own pokémon to investigate the cause." she handed me a pokéball. I nervously took it. "Really? m-my own pokémon? what is it?" I asked. "Well, let it out and see for yourself." the Professor said.
Two people are having a conversation here. It makes it hard to follow, because since they are merged into a single paragraph, it makes me think there is only one. It should look more like the following:


As soon as I came out, I saw the Professor waiting for me at the lab.

"Luke!" she said. "Over here!"

I walked to the lab, and asked "Hello professor, what did you need my help with?"

She replied: "There has been a mass outbreak of pokémon from other regions in Unova. I'm going to entrust you with your own pokémon to investigate the cause." She handed me a pokéball.

I nervously took it. "Really? m-my own pokémon? what is it?" I asked.

"Well, let it out and see for yourself," the Professor said.



I've corrected some other errors as well, such as matching your tenses. You are telling this story using past tense, so using present tense verbs in some places will confuse.

That's enough about this boring stuff though. ;P

Details: At the end of the story and during the battle there were some things described nicely. Your descriptions of the Pokemon moves allowed me to see what they looked like. The majority of the story had little of this though. Try to take breaks during dialogue to describe how people appear and what is going on around them. Otherwise, the reader only sees two faceless humans in a black fog. :P

Remember your senses (Sight, Sound, Smell, Taste, Touch), and try to convey them through adjectives or imagery.

Overall: It was your first story, and a good effort was made. I'm sure the little cricket would be happy to join you.

Kricketot captured! ^^

Practice makes perfect. Good luck with future stories.

Last edited by EmBreon; 03-06-2012 at 12:07 AM.
Reply With Quote