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Old 12-05-2011, 01:18 AM
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Default Re: What's your"s is Minkey

Quote:
Originally Posted by most duded View Post
thank you. I guess I should rewrite it or add to it. hmmmm?
A total rewrite isn't needed. I want you to description to the Pokemon attacks and you can have Mankey. Everything else is for next time you write a story. If you choose to fix everything else that is fine too as it's good practice.


Had to separate grade:

Grammar: I want to be gentle here, but one word can sum this area up: disaster. It was full of multiple and repeated errors that will have to be immediately rectified.

Quote:
I pusted a window with my fist and we jumped into the aircraft. I hit Nick out of the plane and Ferraligator and Vibrava jumped out to save him.
~ Besides the spelling error, how did the boy get past the two Pokemon, overpower the man, and throw him out the airplane without being stopped. I’m sure you could have came up with a scenario, but you didn’t and that hurts the story.

Quote:
I looked everywhere, although I didn’t find my newly caught [p]oliwag’s [p]okeball[,] I found some old [p]okemon food, an injured Caterpie[] [witch] I fed, and a trail of empty [p]otion bottles.
~ One of the first sentences in your introduction and you have quite a few errors. This is not a a good start for a story because it distracts the reader with the errors. Now we can talk about the errors you have.

The first two brackets indicate that you need to capitalize those letters. When referring to Pokemon and specific Pokemon items you have to remember that they have to be capitalized. The same deal applies to the fourth bracket. Also the same for the seventh.

The third bracket is a comma splice and cannot join the two main clauses. You have to put a period here and separate them.

The fifth bracket needs to have a comma here because you have extra information here when you say, “which I fed” because it doesn’t have a direct bearing on the sentence. When you add extra info it always has to be surround by commas.

“witch” is a spelling error that a spell check will not catch. You need to take two minutes a remember that you have to proofread your work. It’s easier if you can look at the screen while typing, but it’s always a plus to re-read your work.

Quote:
I followed the trail to [p]okemon and found[…. ]Wow. I still dream about it to this day.
~ Once again ‘Pokemon’ needs to be capitalized, but also you don’t need the ‘...’ to create suspense. Your method makes the sentence as a whole seem awkward and abrupt.

Quote:
It was a huge, beautiful orchard with tons of flowers being [tent] to by Cleffa and Igglybuff[,] there was a huge pond with a beautiful waterfall pouring into it with little water spouts here and there, and the [p]okemon, the [p]okemon!
~ Same errors again, capitalization and a wrong word. The bracket around the comma is also a comma splice and you need either a period or semicolon there.

Quote:
I ran over and grabbed it. It was empty. I saw Poliwag splashing in the water. I ran over and said, “Poliwag, what happened?” []“Poli-poli. Poliwag.”
~ First, you use ‘I ran over’ twice in a short amount of time, this is boring to a reader. When writing it is a good thing to change up the language so the same words or phrases don’t keep popping up. The bracket area needs to be double spaced. When writing you need to double spaces paragraphs where different characters are talking, it is a rule.

Quote:
Originally Posted by me
I ran over and said, “Poliwag, what happened?”

“Poli-poli. Poliwag.”
~ That’s what it should look like.

Quote:
Like all Mankey’s, he was a small monkey[-]like pokemon who was light tan[]all except for his stubby little feet, his small little paws, and the end of his long, curly tail.
~ The first bracket indicates you need the dash mark. When using ‘like’ in this manner you need a dash combining the two words, once again this is a rule. The second bracket once again needs a comma.

Quote:
He jumped [of] and ran [of] with Poliwag and my hat.
~ Proofread your work, I can’t stress this enough. Both of these should be ‘off’.

Quote:
“Chim?” he said quietly. [] “I’m alright, let’s go get Poliwag.” I said, pushing myself up of the ground.
~ Another error concerning speech, has to be double spaced.

Quote:
I turned around to see what this was, and it was a powerful looking blue human[-]like pokemon with a white karate shirt and white pants on and a black belt on.
~ Once again a dash because you are using ‘like in this manner’.

Quote:
I turned around to see what this was, and it was a powerful looking blue human like pokemon with a white karate shirt and white pants on and a black belt on[.] Sawk.
~ This needs to a comma instead if a period.

Quote:
Me and Chimchar immediately got into battle positions.[”] Chimchar, [f]lame [w]heel!” I said with determination.
~ This needs to be in front of ‘Chimchar’. You have it spaced and that makes incorrect. Pokemon attacks have to be capitalized.

Quote:
Sawk returned the favor with a [c]lose [c]ombat attack.
~ Remember to capitalize Pokemon attacks.

Quote:
“Well, well,” [S]aid the man. “I’m Nick. Your familiar with Feraligatr and Mankey, am I correct?”
~ This doesn’t need to be capitalized.

Quote:
He ran [of into] the cave. “Hey!” I said following [me].
~ In this sentence you have a couple of wrong words that need to be traded out.

Anything else I out here as example would just be plain redundant. So let me go over what I have discovered and what you would need to rectify for future captures. To start, one of the biggest problems you have is the capitalizations of Pokemon related items. Pokemon, Pokemon attacks and Pokemon items all need to be capitalizated. A relatively simple fix if you remember it.

The second problem is that of missed words. In multiple cases above, and a few I didn’t bother putting in, you have the wrong word instead of the correct one. An example would be ‘plain’ instead of ‘plane’. This happened because you did the right thing by using a spell check, but you didn’t proofread your work. Proofreading is a good habit to pickup early as it useful in fanfiction and in real life. All you have to do is slowly go over your work by reading it, this can be once or twice or more than that. If you put work in a story it’s a shame not to take ten minutes and make sure you caught all the errors. Another way to catch your mistake is to read your story aloud. It can be a bit weird but it’s one of the best ways to catch sentence struture errors or similar problems.

A third problem is paragraph spacing. Your story is essential one giant paragraph and that is ugly for the eyes to just see one giant block of text without a good reason. Your story on my computer came out to be two pages, but if you had spaced it would have been 3 - 4 and easier to read. Now, I’m not sure if you know the spacing rules so I’ll go a general rule or two that can’t really steer you wrong. As I talked about above, the first part is relatively simple. It is spacing everytime a new person, or Pokemon, speaks. Everytime a dialogue appears from a different person you need a new paragraph to separate the talking. The second method is basically where the main subject of said paragraphs switches to a new topic.

Quote:
Ding! Yes! I caught the Poliwag! I held the pokeball into the air and… It was gone! I looked all around and started freaking out. I looked everywhere, although I didn’t find my newly caught poliwag’s pokeball, I found some old pokemon food, an injured Caterpie witch I fed, and a trail of empty potion bottles.

I followed the trail to pokemon and found…. Wow. I still dream about it to this day. It was a huge, beautiful orchard with tons of flowers being tent to by Cleffa and Igglybuff, there was a huge pond with a beautiful waterfall pouring into it with little water spouts here and there, and the pokemon, the pokemon! There were all kinds of pokemon there. Big, little, red, blue, new old, you name it. And as I was looking around, I saw a pokeball lying on the floor. I ran over and grabbed it. It was empty. I saw Poliwag splashing in the water.

I ran over and said, “Poliwag, what happened?”

“Poli-poli. Poliwag.”

I couldn’t understand it but I assumed he said it’s nice to see me. All the sudden I heard and angry, deep breathing behind me. I turned around and nearly dropped Poliwag’s pokeball. I saw a Mankey with flaming eyes and my hat on side ways on his head.

Like all Mankey’s, he was a small monkey like pokemon who was light tan all except for his stubby little feet, his small little paws, and the end of his long, curly tail. His nose was of the same figure as a pig. He had small eyes that were very bright and two small little pointy ears.
~ I’m going to use your opening pargraph as an example and how I would try to space it out. Each paragraph has been separated so that the main topic of each paragraph is readily appearant. In the first it’s the loss of Poliwag. Second is the searching and finding for the Pokemon. The middle two are dialogue and the last two deal with the encounter with Mankey and then its description. If you still don’t understand what I’m trying to say here, drop me a PM/VM and I’ll do my best to clarify.

Finally, you had a few mistake where you had some comma splices, wrong period placement and etc. They felt to me like typos because they where relatively few, but if you want help with them go ahead and ask for it.

Length: Mankey


Overall: Today I’m going to have to say Not Captured. Although this a low ranking mon I felt the rate of the grammar problems coupled with some things from the introduction and plot decided this for me. If you would like the Pokemon I would like to see you add description to the attacks. You do that and you can have the monkey. But remember, for future writing please keep what I had to say in mind.

And sorry for the long grade, but I hope it helps your writing take a step forward.
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Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 12-05-2011 at 08:08 PM.
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