Thread: [Pokemon] The Path of Destiny (PG/PG-13)
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Old 09-13-2011, 05:54 AM
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Graceful_Suicune Offline
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Default Re: The Path of Destiny (PG/PG-13)

WWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (*spearow*) NEW PoD CHAPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Also, I saw another car with POD as its numberplate. xD) Corrections first though, as always! Also, I found a really good way of keeping track of things I wanna say. I opened up a Notepad document while reading the chapter, so anytime I wanted to remind myself to talk about something in the review, I typed it into the Notepad file. xD

Quote:
Everyone made a great effort to be as nice to him as possible, and brought food to him even though his wounds were nearly healed, but he still largely ignored them, obviously knowing they were just being kind to try and get him to agree to heal Stormblade, but in Snowcrystal’s case, the kindness was genuine.
This sentence is really long. I would suggest putting a period before "but" to make "but" the start of a new sentence. ^^

Quote:
She had known he would be worried, but she hadn’t known he’d be worried this much.
Since this is the "narrator" part, I wouldn't use "this". Maybe "but she hadn't known he'd be as worried as he was" or something instead?

Quote:
And even if they could bring her back, with the others allow her to stay?
'With' should be 'would'.

Quote:
She glanced back at the moonlit area, her gaze fixated on several massive trees, that looked quite out of place in a long line next to the smaller, more spindly ones that grew in random places near them.
The comma after 'trees' doesn't need to be there.

Quote:
Those who travel here, should be wise enough to not rest here long.
Another redundant comma!

Quote:
‘But we didn’t talk about the happy times…’ Snowcrystal felt miserably.
That should be either 'thought miserably', or 'felt miserable'. o:

Quote:
Snowcrystal tried to help him, but she didn’t feel like anything was saying would do any good.
There needs to be a 'she' between 'anything' and 'was'. ^^

Quote:
But when Nightshade looked at her, she saw that the look in his eyes was almost like the look she was used to, before they had come to this place. “No,” he said firmly, standing up again and looking almost offended at what she’d said, his eyes suddenly gaining a cold look that seemed so unlike him.
Not to be annoying and ruin the moment, but the repetition of 'look' struck me as something that could be changed. Maybe even "But when Nightshade laid eyes on her" and even "was almost like the one she was used to", just so that you don't repeat it. As for the last 'look', maybe "his eyes suddenly gaining an element of coldness that seemed so unlike him" or something. ^^ Sorry to be nitpicky. Dx

Quote:
“Those humans may have done a bad thing,” Nightshade replied sadly, “a very bad thing, but they did not choose badly because they are humans. Most humans, just like most pokémon, are not like them. Most of them are trying their best to do good. Being a human doesn’t change that. There will always be bad pokémon and bad humans; it’s not what you are that determines whether you are good or evil.”
BAM. IN THE FACE. AND THERE FALLS THE STEREOTYPES! I'm so glad Nightshade said this; it's exactly what we've been talking about lately, about stereotypes and that people blame others' actions on what they like (in this case, their species) instead of how they act, which has nothing to do with their like/species!

Quote:
I just….really think this is boring.”
Random extra period!

So! That chapter was really interesting... First off, I really liked how you "zoomed out" and looked down at the story to describe recent events and such, because it gave the readers a really good overview of the details we wanted to know, but quickly and smoothly, instead of dwelling (which, I'm not saying, is what you do normally 'cause it isn't) on them (I do this xD). It's awesome to see things start looking up, and ESPECIALLY THAT NIGHTSHADE'S BACK AND (nearly completely) BETTER! 8DD I liked the mention of things like Redclaw's loss of his collar (which, the way you described, made him sound really cute now that it's gone xDD), about Scytheclaw and his unwillingness to help, and about the characters' growing relationships among each other. It's cool that they're beginning to make friends with Damian's pokemon, and it makes me really happy to see that, even though he's ignoring them, Scytheclaw isn't going out of his way to deliberately cause harm or search for conflict. And that the others are learning to accept him. I'm still really worried for Thunder, and I'm glad that's reflected within the story (Snowcrystal and Nightshade) because it shows that they really care. It's pretty decided that Scytheclaw isn't going to help Stormblade anytime soon, but I'm glad that Stormblade's non-Shadowflare wounds are, at least, beginning to heal. :D

Also...I really wanna see an orange Snowcrystal. xD I know that's now a regular growlithe looks, but I'm having trouble imagining her orange. XD It's cool she has to disguise herself, not because of the reason, but because it's like she's going undercover and she has to pretend she's completely 'normal'. I also love Nightcloud's inclusion (lolololol I was about to say 'includance'), and how she knows about those old books! How exciting! I also love how it was when they were beginning to think they should give up, yet now there's that flame of hope for them. So their efforts won't have been wasted.

But... xD When it mentioned Nightshade's wounds that were caused by Scytheclaw, I couldn't help but giggle, remembering what happened in The Pathway to the Destiny. XDDD And how in their battle, Nightshade punched Scytheclaw and he never returned:

Quote:
Now the group was at a canyon where Nightshade have to fight scizor.

He punch Scytheclaw in the face and Scytheclaw went flying in the air and did not come down. Everyone cheered.
XXXDDDDDDDDDDD THE. FUNNIEST. Also, I tried to look for this in your chapter navigation, but I couldn't find it! o: Is it there, or am I just blind? xD

IT'S CUTE SNOW AND NIGHTSHADE ARE CLOSE NOW. c: And that she tries to comfort him when he's lonely. I think she's really quiet sweet, and you can see her naivete coming through when she's asking about the danger and Nightshade's past...

Nightshade's past. Goodness. That was mighty intense. I was so heartbroken when I read about that... I was literally tapping my foot rhythmically while reading, and when I came across that bit...I stopped tapping because I was like O_____O; and wow... It was such a shock! D: It's so sad that something like that happened to him! As for every PoD character having a sad story, I don't think they all do at all! Besides, these things happen. D: As sad and horrid as it is, these events make for really good backstories. I'm really glad he managed to survive, but...his children...his mate... DDDDx This REALLY makes me wanna write about Nightshade now; you know how I said I wanted to write a one-shot about him? Well...I think I really wanna do it about this. o: Hopefully I won't fail miserably. XD If I don't, hopefully I can really, well, write about this event in detail and with accuracy.

It's so sad humans would do that...just because they were wrecking the trees. Dx I mean, I understand, I suppose, that they were eating the trees, but surely they didn't have to kill them! Like Nightshade said, they could have captured them, or even just made them move homes. But, I suppose some people just don't care... But I can't believe so many of them died. Dx And it's so sad that Snowcrystal even cried for him. I always wondered how he got that scar, though! I now know, clearly... At least they didn't resort to killing him. But he lost his family! Dx SCY HOW COULD YOU. (xD Kidding, but it's still sad.) I hope my reaction doesn't make you think more about how some of them have depressing pasts, because I think it really defines them. I really wanna hug Nightshade now though. Dx And he dealt with it really well...especially reminiscing about it, and being really mature about how he looks back on it. I commend his bravery, but he would probably be really sad now to see a heracross family in the wild if he happened to come across one. Dx

Well...I'm super glad you got to finish this chapter. I don't think there was anything wrong with it at all, though, but I know how that feeling is--the one that you don't feel as though you're writing properly or at a high enough level. I get that too. Dx And then there are those times you just try to write and you can't, even if it's something simple that's happening. But it's awesome you pushed through, and it's really exciting that we're getting to "more plotiness". XDD So, congrats for finishing this chapter. :D Now I need to take after you and do the same. XD

Also, I really like seeing more of Wildflame. For some reason I think she might be my favourite, which I've already mentioned to you before, but I couldn't put my finger on why I think that about her. She's pretty mysterious as well, so maybe that counts for something. c: But anyway, it was super awesome to read more PoD. I was so exciting reading through it, realising how much I missed it. xD Oh, the times when I was so behind that I could read for ours at a time if I felt like it. xD And yeah, reading about how Nightshade was so anti-elitist was great too. xD I can really see that relating to the species issue we've discussed on countless occasions, so I'm glad you can get the message out in this way, even if it's subtle! I hope more people realise because of this!

For some reason I think this review kinds sucks compared to my previous ones. Dx Somehow I feel really detached, if you know what I mean. Sorry I didn't have more to say. =/ Maybe it's the wrong time of day. xD

~GS.
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