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Old 08-07-2011, 11:47 AM
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bobandbill Offline
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Default Re: Eon Sky: You Have No Idea.

Interesting premise here overall. Already curious on how the lead-up to Gear's supposed date of death will play out and who the other person was in the prologue, and how the other protagonist fits into all of that (I am guessing he is the 'he' mentioned at the end of the prologue). Alternatively he is the one who dies in the prologue I suppose...?

But yeah, the plot seems pretty interesting. I wouldn't mind seeing some more explanation soon as I'm starting to be a bit confused about the whole situation as well but I suppose that'll come up soon. Maybe some more showing of Avalon's feelings of confusion and the like would be something to consider though as it did feel a bit...missing in the story - for instance there's mention of his family:
I loved my family. It was worsening. Now I was tempted to yell out to my mother...But I was falling asleep. In a chair. Chair's weren't comfy enough to qualify for beds.
But it doesn't seem to come up again when there's potential there - without the such it comes off as Avalon being too accepting of the whole situation imo.

Although it's not too distracting for me on this skin for the most part I would suggest against colour-coding your dialogue as it would likely make it hard to read for at least some (and say Avalon's text colour in chapter 2 is not fun to read on a white background when the default text size is tiny to begin with), especially if you consider the variety of skins/styles forums can have as well. Sticking to the default should be clear enough for readers in terms of who is talking when really.

A few other things:
It's the dream that unifies all of creation: It spans dimensions and the gaps between them; It spans in space, and the space between space; It spans time and it's absence.
I don't think semi-colons mean that it's the end of the sentence and so the capitalisation of the Its didn't feel right. With the bolded it's (it is), it should be an its (possessive) in that case - that tended to occur a few times during the story so I'd suggest watching out for that.
"I swore to tell the truth. So I did." He said.
This was another consistent error - if the part following the dialogue flows on (ie tells us who said it/how it was said/etc) then you can treat it all as one sentence despite the quotation marks and hence there's no need for the full stop and capitalisation in the middle of it - so hence the above would be:
"I swore to tell the truth. So I did," he said.
(Also note 'He said' doesn't work very well as its own separate sentence). Note that you could use say a question or exclamation mark there instead - this only applies to full stops because English is silly.
"-Is an Arbiter. Yhea. You said that yourself. That being said, you've got no proof, and I've got no way to check." Gear said.
As for here for instance, you'd just want to change the full stop after 'check' to a full stop. I also noticed you used 'Yhea' rather than Yeah - maybe it is purposeful but I never saw it spelt Yhea before.
Gear said as he pulled out the Gear Titan, A blade that weighed a ton, with patterns of six-pronged gears everywhere you looked.
That a shouldn't be capitalised there. I also wonder why these are the two choices of death, one being 'death by oversized gear sword'...? It seems quite odd to me is all.
A dream with an epilogue that would try it's best to kill me in any way possible.
Another instance of the it's/its thing there - should be the latter here (otherwise you're saying ';...would try it is best to kill me...').
I worked on his world in secret; it was a desire I didn't want my world to know about straight away.
Minor suggestion but you could also use straightaway as one word.
I was lucky enough to take me to a place where I was supposed to enter a password I didn't know by doing something I didn't know how to do.
I think you're missing a full stop here after password - sounds like a run-on sentence otherwise.
"Oh, your awake.
you're (you are) rather than your (which is possessive e.g. your present - so your awake doesn't make sense).

Otherwise it's pretty clean and the plot is enjoyable - my main qualm is not seeing enough of the emotions/thoughts of Avalon during this but otherwise it's a good start - keep it up!

'Tis a parody of the game with more explanations than you can shake a pastry at.
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