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Old 05-08-2011, 03:11 AM
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Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
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Default Re: Team StormRiders [PG-13] [Gold; Best Pokemon Author; MotY'10]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kumori Gem View Post
“I did[/I] not [I]forget,”
It seems weird that you would have the emphasised word not in italics. I would suggest bolding it instead of un-italicising. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kumori Gem View Post
- You’re late, or did you forget again?”

- “Say whatever you like, you know you love me!”

- Who cared anyway, I’d just get him back later.
All these three sentences should have replacements for where the commas sit. The first one could pass as okay if "You're late" is a question as well as "or did you forget again", but if it was a statement then it needs to be a period instead of a comma. The second sentence needs to have a semicolon instead of a comma. The third one needs to be a question mark, since "Who cared anyway" is a question.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kumori Gem View Post
The one that meant I was in trouble.“Look, it wasn’t me who did anything this time.
There needs to be a space between the period and the opening quotation mark.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kumori Gem View Post
“But Zanna, it wasn’t your fight to begin with.
There should be a comma after 'But'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kumori Gem View Post
“Just don’t be too long, they need their rest.”
Because there's no joining word to connect these two fragments of this sentence, a comma cannot be used. It should be a period or a semicolon.

NEXT POST.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kumori Gem View Post
The Houndoom ‘s gaze narrowed as she looked me over.
There's a space between 'Houndoom' and the apostrophe and s. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kumori Gem View Post
And what better time than to go unseen than in the dead of night in a sewer.
That's a question without a question mark!

Interesting... I liked looking into Zanna's past, and I'm curious about Hawk. I was happy to see Cody again, as I wondered if he'd ever again show, and I definitely think the kidnappings are linked to the pokemon world. I reckon it could have something to do with Xatu/Jirachi selecting humans to become light pokemon or saviours or whatever, although they fail and aren't adequate, so they're sent back. I think it's a shame they lose their memories, but then again, it's expected, I suppose. But yeah. I'll keep reading. :3 For some reason I don't have much else to say. xD Apart from that I'm curious about Tali's bands and what Altair is going to do. o: If I manage to finish the next chapter before you post, I'll just edit this post. :3

CHAPTER 32.

AHH I JUST TYPED UP MY REPLY TO THIS CHAPTER AND HAD TYPOS AND COMMENTS AND AGH...I lost it. .__. Oh well. I'll retype it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kumori Gem View Post
The Gallade closest to me held its arm out to the side and a green leaf-blade spear materialised into view, blocking my path.
You would think that Zanna would know all gallade are males, and therefore this gallade is a he and not an it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kumori Gem View Post
The Gallade merely glanced down at the two dogs and nodded.
Since Zanna used to be human, I guess it would make sense for her to compare a leafeon and a glaceon with dogs, but I suggest being careful about which character compared what pokemon with which animal--that is, if you don't have animals in your pokemon worlds. I would suggest 'dog-like pokemon', since stating outright that they are dogs is incorrect, after all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kumori Gem View Post
leaving me alone to stare at the empty spot where the Ralts had been, and wondering what on earth those two Marowak wanted from it.
Again with the gender thing--sorry to be picky. But Zanna still perceives the ralts as an it after the marowak stated she was female, and I would also imagine that Zanna would be able to distinguish between male and female pokemon, even it it was just by their voices.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kumori Gem View Post
“And Rakai… this time things will not go wrong.”

Remember that when characters address each other, there almost always needs to be a comma before their names.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kumori Gem View Post
“Enough of this, you should proceed to your sleeping quarters, child, there is much to discuss tomorrow about the upcoming battle.”
There should be a period or semicolon after 'child'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kumori Gem View Post
- “Now Zanna, dear,” she purred,
- “Why Rakai,” Virok lowered his voice to a whisper and laced it with ice.

Here and here need to have commas before the names too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kumori Gem View Post
I let loose another thunderbolt, singing every scale upon the Feraligatr’s body.
Unless it was a very melodic attack, it is supposed to be 'singeing'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kumori Gem View Post
I cringed, covering my ears with my paws. Leer!
I find it odd that leer is portrayed as hearing-affecting, when it's supposed to be a glare. o.o

NEXT POST.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kumori Gem View Post
Slowly, yet cautiously, I removed the orb from his presence. The glowing dimmed and the Dark Pokemon let loose a heavy gasp of air, crumpling on the floor. Unconscious.
“Darkrai,” I said at once. As soon as the name left my lips, I knew it was true. “Darkrai is his maker.”
You forgot to separate these paragraphs.

I feel kinda sorry for the feraligatr. D: Although the whole Dark pokemon thing reminds me of something in my story, and I hope I didn't unconsciously copy anything from you. xD I doubt I did, however, considering I don't think I knew about Dark pokemon when I created the thing I'm talking about. Plus, they're different anyway. I kinda like Virok. I don't know why; I think I find him interesting, and I like how he's portrayed. I also wonder what happened to Ameli. I also like that name. xD I'm also wondering how Jarre, Dash and Codan are going. I kinda forgot why they had to go another way, but I assume they'll arrive soon. :3

It's funny, because the situation with the marowak and the ralts reminded me of a scene in TtEoaF. xD The whole deal of the ralts being the victim, the main character (who has a type disadvantage) who stands up for her and the ground type perpetrator(s). xD But yeah. :P Halfway point, hey? Makes me wonder what's going to happen between now and the end. And it makes me wonder how much longer TtEoaF will go for. :P

Anyway, I'll get to more reading. :P

~GS.
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Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 05-08-2011 at 06:12 AM.
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