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Old 04-07-2011, 08:31 AM
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Bumblebee16 Offline
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Default Re: Poison Bite [SSC]

Introduction: Your introduction is good. It didn’t make me want to keep reading, but it was good. You start the story off with an Ekans who is hidden from sight and is waiting for his next meal to come by. A small 10 year old boy comes along, unaware that he is about to be bitten. Ekans bites him and he passes out. Then the battle starts. The description you give here is quite good for this level of Pokémon. I can see the Ekans waiting to strike as the boy gets closer. You presented the main characters and placed a setting for us to see. (though you could have went more in depth and told us the time of day/year, but it’s all good.) Although it didn’t totally grasp my attention and make me want to read more, it was good as far as introductions go.

Plot: This is a very simple plot that could have been a bit more interesting if you added some more action. It was just ‘Ekans is waiting for his prey. Boy comes along and gets bitten. Slowking comes out and they battle. Head to Pokémon Center. Catches Ekans.’ So yeah, a bit too simple. You could add why the boy was out in the rain in the first place. Also, maybe have them battle more or instead of a cop finding them have some bad person who wants to sell them for profit, whatever. I know it’s a story for a Simple Pokémon, but adding some more action to make the story more interesting wouldn’t hurt.

Dialogue: I didn’t see anything wrong with your dialogue. I could tell when someone new was talking so you pass this.

Grammar: I didn’t see much of a problem here. The mistakes I did find were minor ones such the examples below. I know you know these, but I just wanted to point it out. Also watch out for those typos, proofread it twice if necessary or get someone else to help you with that if needed. I know I have trouble finding mistakes in my own stories/papers because my eyes just skip over them and it doesn’t process:

“With the help of the rope it was much easier to pull Matt our of the mud.”
Should be out, I bolded it. Pretty sure it’s just a typo so watch out for these like I said.

It shined in her eyes so she couldn’t see the holder, but when the holder noticed Slowking and Ekans he lowered the light.
‘But’ doesn’t need to be capitalized here.

“Are you trying to take him into town’?
That is a question so it needs a question mark.

“No problem, its my duty to help people.”
This should be ‘it’s’, it is my duty to help people.

He wore a dark green jacket over his shirt which did not match the color of his shirt, nor did it do much to keep him dry.
This sentence would sound a lot better like:

He wore a dark green jacket over his shirt, which did not match, and it certainly wasn't helping him stay dry.
Try not to repeat words in the same sentence as it often times doesn't sound right.

"He stepped inside and tripped, coming crashing to the floor."
Coming should be came, and throw 'and' in front of came.

Ekans knew it must have done a lot of damage, but Slowking didn’t seem to even notice due to the nature of her species.
Another typo, you forgot 'of'.

Like I said, I am pretty sure you know these. Other than that, I didn’t see much of a problem with your grammar.

Detail: You had great detail. I could picture what the boy looked like and both Ekans and Slowking. The description of the cop was a bit sketchy, but I got the general idea of how a cop looks so you’re good here. I particularly liked the description of the boy, especially the part about his light up sneakers. That helped me visualize how the boy looked and how the Ekans saw him. So yeah, do more of what's in the quote below.

Ekans could easily tell he was immature, if not by his reaction to the bite, then by looking at his clothes. His black sneakers had lights along the edge which lit up when he walked. He wore khaki shorts and a green t-shirt with a couple of cartoon characters, one resembling a Meowth, the other a Vulpix. He wore a dark green jacket over his shirt which did not match the color of his shirt, nor did it do much to keep him dry. Even his haircut was childish, though at the moment it was plastered to head by the rain.
The attacks in the battle were also described well; I could see them using the moves without a problem. Although the description of the characters and moves was good, the setting description wasn’t that great. More small stuff like the quote below would be great. It will create the setting in the mind of the reader which will make your story that much better.

‘Nearby there was an old wooden bridge crossing over a small lake.’
It’s small and doesn’t seem like much, but stuff like this can really help the reader picture more of the surroundings. You’re good at describing the characters, now apply that to the surroundings ;]

Length: Ekans = Simple = 5-10k
You = 10k+ = Good

Reality: Didn’t see anything that I had to question.

Battle: The battle was a bit short. Slowking used Water Gun and I’m guessing Psychic. Ekans used Glare and Bite and it was all over. Yeah Slowking is strong and Ekans is young and not that strong yet (and weak to Psychic moves), but a longer battle would have been nice. Maybe have them dish out a few more attacks; Ekans could even attack at a distance if you wanted to.

Outcome: For a Simple Pokémon, the plot was okay. Though a longer battle would have been nice, that isn’t going to hold you back from Ekans, especially with the description you had in this story. Just watch out for those typos and grammar errors. So without further ado...

Congrats, you captured the snake.

Any questions/comments/concerns feel free to PM me
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