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Old 01-26-2011, 07:38 PM
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Dragoness Offline
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Halloween Town
Posts: 1,829
Default Re: The Human Species (PG-13)

Aloha,

Neat story =) The cannibal bit made me smile for some odd reason. Possibly 'cause it reminded me of this movie Judge Dredd...but the cannibals in that movie were horrifying real O.o On second thought, I'll credit the Piplup with any giggles I had.

It felt perhaps that the intro to Lucario was short. It's a personal preference--I usually like to know several details of our hero's personality in the first couple chapters after he or she is introduced. This is only the first chapter though, so hopefully more to come on Lucario?

Also, it's standard grammar to split the dialogue into its own paragraph.

For example:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Human Species
I-It really is you! the strange thing continued as her glee increased with every new pounce at him, Im your biggest fan! I love you! Ive watched every episode over and over and o-
Wait! the Lucario exclaimed terrified while dodging her grasps and fighting hard not to counterattack, Y-Youre not here to kill me!?
Ki I-I the short bird responded, mishearing him and beginning to blush a little, Id LOVE to kiss you!
Should be this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Human Species; line spacing by Dragoness
I-It really is you! the strange thing continued as her glee increased with every new pounce at him, Im your biggest fan! I love you! Ive watched every episode over and over and o-

Wait! the Lucario exclaimed terrified while dodging her grasps and fighting hard not to counterattack, Y-Youre not here to kill me!?

Ki I-I the short bird responded, mishearing him and beginning to blush a little, Id LOVE to kiss you!
It's not only good grammar--it makes it far easier for the reader to follow the flow of the story. Instead of going through blocks of text, the reader gets small breaks which help their brain process the information they just read.

I'd also be careful of using words like "appeared" and "seemed" in the narration of the story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Human Species
His body was thin and muscular, but his meager fur and shorts appeared to do little to protect him from the strong winds.
"Appeared" is a needless word. It weakens the sentence. In your head--or at least in mine when I'm in the middle of writing--it doesn't sound too bad, but it can be. It's shorter, stronger and more concise to just say "...and shorts did little to protect him..."

I hope you continue with this story =) And btw, I rather liked the prologue/description (Humanity has finally gotten fed up...ect.).
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