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Old 11-10-2009, 06:41 AM
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Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
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Default Re: Pokemon: Team StormRiders [PG-13] [Ch. 28: Deception up and AWAY!]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunar Latias View Post
Come on you stupid things! Work!
A comma needs to be after 'on', because 'you stupid things' is like addressing them. In a way. Same principle.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunar Latias View Post
Until then, Tali hadn’t notice the small quivers that wracked her body,
Should be 'noticed'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunar Latias View Post
I knew this would be hard on him, I mean, how would you feel if you saw someone you’d tortured once?
I don't think that comma should be a comma. Make it a full stop or a semi-colon or a double hyphen. Whatever suits ya.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunar Latias View Post
I should’ve just left well enough alone.
What

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunar Latias View Post
A door was to his left, he could try to see what was on the other side.
That comma should be a semi colon or a period.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunar Latias View Post
“Oh yes,”
I would put a comma after 'Oh'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunar Latias View Post
And for a second as he smiled, the throbbing in his head dimmed.
Should be a semi-colon.

Post two:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunar Latias View Post
the animal side that usually would have risen when he turned was no longer there.
It's kinda weird to hear you saying 'animal'...

POST THREE

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunar Latias View Post
Codan smiled towards Lani, who smiled at Jarre, who glared at Dash, who smiled at Tali, who glared at me,
lol

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Originally Posted by Lunar Latias View Post
“Now Lani, Zanna and Tali will take this route.”
Comma after 'Now'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunar Latias View Post
“Ah, it’s a pity we’re not going together, hey Lamb?”
Comma after 'hey'.
I found more errors but I didn't bother to point them out.

Well, I kinda like Tali. Dash is nice, but for some reason whenever he's mentioned I can only picture him as a Weavile...so I'll just pretend he is. xD
But I really didn't like how Rye reacted to seeing Kryal... And I think Kraal and Marilai are always seen together, and I get it--they're a pair, but I can't help but to think that it's a shame we don't really get to know the (non-appearance-relating) difference between them and their individualities.
I like Darkrai though. :P He's kickass. But I'm not looking forward to meeting Rye's dad. Not interested in him. :P

~Xanthe.
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Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 11-10-2009 at 06:43 AM.
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