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Old 07-19-2009, 10:45 PM
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Default Re: Communication (PG-13) [Chapter Nine Now Posted]

Quote:
Jal’tai left the room then, leaving Solonn alone with the swarm of thoughts infesting his mind, including the newly raised questions he had regarding what else the latios might have “inadvertently” absorbed from his mind.

He feared that if he did not do as the latios expected of him, he would risk being subjected once more to Jal’tai’s particular, excruciating brand of psychic punishment.

The latios turned to his left and drifted out of the bedroom, then cast a look over his shoulder and made a beckoning motion with a single talon.

He was led by the latios into the den, where there were especially many of those draconic statues, like a small assembly of watchful minions in service to the psychic dragon to whom this place and its unwilling inhabitant belonged.

The arm of the chair opened on an unseen hinge, revealing a previously hidden compartment, from which the latios pulled out a small, flat, matte-silver object that was covered with dozens of tiny buttons.

“If you’re not in the mood for music, you could always enjoy what the television has to offer,” the latios said then, and demonstrated how to turn the television on.

He was equally unmoved by the other specimens Jal’tai showed him from what was now his wardrobe, but he gave the latios, who was obviously quite proud of these purchases, an occasional, noncommittal noise or vague nod, feigning at least some interest in and attention to what was being presented to him.

“This, Solonn, is where you’ll attend to your hygienic needs… among other needs,” the latios said.

The human complied, stopping a couple of feet away from Jal’tai as the latios pulled out a chair for him, indicating with a talon that he expected Solonn to take his seat here.

“You’ll recall that I mentioned having something else to show you over here, correct?” the latios said as he made his way over to the armoire, opening the cabinet under the television and producing a DVD jewel case from it.

His mind was still on the latios even though the dragon had left.

But now, with the latios no longer shadowing him, all the offense, hatred, and bitter indignation that Jal’tai had inspired within him came to the forefront once again.

As if Jal’tai hadn’t done enough to him, the latios had chosen to add insult to injury by coming in on this day with the old, merry façade he’d worn when they’d first met, smiling and acting cheerful as though nothing strange had happened here, as though there weren’t anything wrong done when in fact there was, committed by his own hand.

He had quickly developed a rather strong dislike for the program, for it was, after all, the handiwork of that lying latios, just another element of his scheme.

He did not bathe or groom himself in any way, nor did he bother to further his assimilation into his forced humanity by watching any of the latios’s training videos. He ate only when Jal’tai was actually present to monitor him and make sure that he did.

The self-neglect was beginning to take its toll on the former glalie—developments that did not go unnoticed by the latios, as Solonn learned the very next evening on Jal’tai’s third visit.

Gone was the friendly, jovial countenance that the latios had worn during his previous visits—his face was a hard-lined mask, the expression not quite readable but certainly not a sign of a pleased dragon.
I'm pretty sure Pokemon's names should be capitalized.

Quote:
He held the human’s dark, flat stare for a long moment, and then shook his head pityingly.
Added an 'and'.

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“Look at you…” the dragon said quietly. He moved even closer to Solonn, his pointed, crimson-irised gaze burning upon the former glalie’s unshaven face from only a few inches away now.

But still, the latios made no move to harm him.
Pokemon names capitalization.

Quote:
...round, pearly white creature with splashes and stripes of red standing out vividly on her face and at the end of her long, ribbon-like tail.
Ribbonlike -> ribbon-like

Quote:
Solonn didn’t respond, gazing upon the chimecho with uncertainty. He had no idea of what this creature was planning to do and therefore could not be ready for it in any way.

The chimecho gave a few languid ripples of her tail as she hung there, smiling serenely down upon Solonn.

...complex and wondrous structures, the song of the chimecho affected him in this way on a far grander scale than any other music, for it was indeed like no other music in the world
Pokemon names capitalization.

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Soon, all of the world around him was comprised solely of the swirling currents of melody.
All of the world -> the entire. Sounds much better.

Quote:
Then the last of the swirling psychic residue that the chimecho’s song had left within his mind cleared… and with it, he realized slowly, the swarming miseries that had plagued his mind these past few days had faded out, as well.

After that point, his memory was still very hazy; he couldn’t remember what had happened between the start of the chimecho’s song and its end, if indeed he had ever actually known what had happened at all.

The chimecho finally fell still, sighing softly as her eyes slowly opened. She detached from the ceiling, smiling gently as she descended once more.

Solonn’s eyes lingered for a long moment in that direction, looking upon the lens and keypad with a twinge of envy towards the chimecho who had just used them to leave the suite.

Jal’tai was clearly intent on keeping him trapped there, while the latios and those whom he employed to aid him could just come and go as they pleased with those codes. And of course, Jal’tai himself didn’t even need them;

Jal’tai had made a mistake in giving the codes to that chimecho, one whose implications had the potential to severely undermine his plans.

...Jal’tai noticed the improvements in Solonn’s well-being, and as a result the latios’s demeanor around him...

The chimecho was fulfilling her role in Solonn’s endeavor most obligingly;

.., this new angle did make it rather easier to see what the chimecho was doing.

After carefully watching the chimecho input that code on multiple occasions,

The lobby was currently relatively quiet, with no one present except for the swampert receptionist and a solitary primeape off in the corner, who was staring with a rather dull expression at a television on which a cartoon was playing.

His eyes fixed upon the boundary beyond which the world did not belong to that latios

two houndoom stood there, sleek, dark-furred dogs whose curved horns glinted wickedly in the light from the flames, as did the golden badges affixed to the collars they wore.

At once, he began to struggle in her grasp, but could not break free. His head whipped around to see who had taken a hold of him, and there, at a height considerably less than his own, he saw the pale grey face of a medicham leveling a cold, hard stare up at him. Her eyes held a fuchsia glow, a sign of the psychic powers she was using to manipulate the two houndoom’s flames and keep them in check.

The light in the medicham’s eyes gave a sudden..

...the medicham kicked his legs out from under him even as she maintained her seemingly inescapable hold.

the houndoom directing nips at his feet whenever he faltered in his steps.

The houndoom pushed the doors open, and the medicham shoved Solonn into the building,

The two houndoom pushed their way through the doors and held them open as the medicham

“That’ll do, madam, gentlemen,” Jal’tai said without inflection to the medicham and houndoom, dismissing them. The three cops nodded in acknowledgment, and the medicham released her hold on Solonn before walking out of the office. The two houndoom followed her away, and the great doors swung shut behind them.

A ledian was seated behind a desk. Beside him, a small image of three smeargle being led out of a building by a medicham in a police uniform and two houndoom with badges affixed to collars around their necks appeared.

his words were displayed in subtitles for the benefit of human viewers, rendered in unown-script.

“There, now wasn’t that nice?” Jal’tai asked, earning himself another of the former glalie’s vague responses.

singing meowth to life on the screen.

by watching any of the latios’s training videos. He ate only when Jal’tai was actually present to monitor him and make sure that he did.
Pokemon Capitalization.

Quote:
He was so mistrustful of those spindly limbs that were it not for Jal’tai’s telekinesis keeping him upright; his lack of faith in them would have certainly caused them to give right out from under him.
A semicolon after upright.

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He repeated this action a couple of times; seeming intent on making sure that Solonn memorized the sequence, then pushed the two buttons in succession.
A semicolon after times.

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He changed the channel again, and this time images of pokémon rather than humans appeared on the screen.
Capitalized Pokemon.

Quote:
He laughed again, and then turned an expectant gaze straight into Solonn’s eyes.

Jal’tai placed the remote in Solonn’s hand, and then drifted over to the wall that separated the suite from the hall outside.

He held the human’s dark, flat stare for a long moment, and then shook his head pityingly.

Jal’tai had shown up, saying that Solonn would have a visitor, and then Knelling had arrived and had begun to sing.
Then -> And then.

Quote:
something not quite conscious, and something primal.
Added an 'and'.

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It was difficult to extract much detail from his memory regarding those events, for at the time when they had occurred; he had been under the influence of the drugs Jal’tai had slipped into his food, which had greatly hampered his perception.
Added a semicolon after occurred.

Quote:
He managed to remember the elevator, however, and seemed to recall that it was close by. Sure enough, he soon spotted it.
Cloesby -> close by.

Quote:
Not terribly far away, he could make out the dark line of trees that represented the border between Convergence and its surrounding woods—that was his goal.
Two options:
trees that represented the border between Convergence and its surrounding woods—that were his goal.

A tree that represented the border between Convergence and its surrounding woods—that was his goal.

Quote:
before he could put this city and the dragon to whom it belonged behind him for good, he just couldn’t wait to close that final distance.
whom -> which.
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I love the story so far! Though it's long, it's worth reading. I can't wait for the tentch chapter!
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