View Single Post
  #47  
Old 07-11-2009, 10:07 PM
DarkGardevoir's Avatar
DarkGardevoir Offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: hidden in my avatar
Posts: 5,618
Send a message via AIM to DarkGardevoir Send a message via MSN to DarkGardevoir
Default Re: The Ultimate Story

I... I guess i'll grade this.

TAKE THAT BRYCE!

Lol, just a little thing between the two of us...

I hope I can get this done soon enough.

EDIT: here you go. God help me.

Introduction:
Terrific. Perfectly so. You open up the story like an horror movie, outlining the terror of April as the little girl gets dragged by the "very nice people", to use an euphenism. And then, when you'd expect the horror to come next, she wakes up. And it's worse.

I'm not one to read such thrilling stories by miself, as I like my past time to be more happily themed, yet your introduction was excruciatingly drawning for me- almost frustratingly so as it outlined my own childishness. But that's not the point.

However, the fact that everybody seemed to know exactly what happened previously, while the reader is left wondering- unless he reads the previous entries- can be annoying. The story itself stands on its own legs, but I myself won't settle for a not better specified "attack from an evil gang foiled by teen hero(?) and former member of the gang". Oh, it works as mean to add mistery and thrill to the story, but since it's common knowledge to everyone- even "common" people- it can frustrate the reader to be the only one not possessing said knowledge. Granted, the commoners have more or less the same informations that the reader gains by the end of the story, but until there they still know more.

That's the power of summaries I guess.

Story: it was very interesting, as not only there was a mainstream plot- April's investigations- but you took the time and placed perfectly coherent subplots- April's past, her Pokemon babysit assignment- while not losing focus- at one point April did derail, but you flawlessly put it back into motion.

I found it a bit strange of her not to own any Pokemon- you'd think, even as Junior Deputy, she'd be compelled to have one, even though her duties were mostly paperwork related- but, given her fixation with grass Pokemon, especially flowering ones, it could be explained as her not having met her match. After all, honestly speaking, there are Snover and Abomasnow that live in cold places, but they're not really blooming any time of the year. They do grow berries though. And it becomes a plot point later, when she asks for the custody of Dunsparce.

Grammar: you'd think someone who typed up- or copy/pasted, I wouldn't know- one would be immune from typos- or at least, have its spider sense tingling when a typo is committed.

As it seems, life isn't perfect like that. The errors you made were simple, probably distraction or sleep-deprivation driven ones, yet they do bother me greatly- as they would to anyone who can spot them. There were "it's" instead of "its" and similiar- I can't really pinpoint more, because I'm doing this on the first read. Now, since for this spell-checkers won't work, only thing you can do is read your story a day or something later, maybe after waking up and shaking off the drowsiness with some coffee. That's all I can say.

There weren't many, truth be told, but the better a story is, the easier it is to spot an error amidst the "perfection" surrounding it. It's like hearing an off-note in a classical composition- if you're mildly interested you'll notice it at least subconsciously.

Description: you made me feel sick. Not in a "eww" way, but by having the way you described things pass on strong feelings to the reader- they did to me, at least, but I'm still shaken from reading again Bitter Virgin (a manga) and albeit with totally different situations you definitely conveyed the same level of angst, panick, and general sadness in a compressed piece.

Being as nosy as I am, I read some of the previous grades to this story, and I couldn't notice the issues Emma was having with your description- then again, I don't value my skills nearly as good as anybody here :x

Length: I didn't bother checking the length: I know it's plenty. You could've added a little as of summary, but this being probably meant as a new start, as I saw it anyway, I can't say it would've been necessarily better.

Characterisation: Since there is no battle here, I'll improvise. You definitely painted a very round character, what with her quirks, tragic past, and final desire of renewal. It was quite painful to see the scenes as Pokemon Daycare Attendant after Roselia's return to its trainer, as they were showed through April's eyes- I could feel her growing despair as her little friends left her and she remained alone (or so she thought), while however being outside of her head. It was almost scary.

Outcome: I almost want to give her my Bellossom, if that makes her happy. Though I can't. All I can do is tell you Dunsparce is given to her custody. It was a nice surprise to leave her with that Pokemon, you know? Well, I don't think "nice" really fits the tone of the story so far, but still.. you get what I mean.
__________________
My quotes


Vocaboulary Game
Quote:
MeowthMistress1: the alimighty ranger station
MeowthMistress1: we serve to protect you, just don't require us to spell or use proper grammar.

Last edited by DarkGardevoir; 07-12-2009 at 02:24 PM.
Reply With Quote