Quote:
Originally Posted by Scytherwolf
This looks pretty good so far-the description and the battle were great! I don't know anything about the plot yet, so I can't say anything about that, but I'm excited to see where this goes.
I found a few mistakes:
worst
I can understand what this meant but it sounded a little strange. Maybe "yelled" or "screamed in anger" would be better?
This also sounded a little strange, but I'm not sure if it's really wrong or not. I think putting "due to its type disadvantage" instead would sound better^^
I liked the brief part at the beginning explaining a little bit of Dusty's history before the battle, and I liked the battle as well because it was both exciting and it wasn't too easy-I don't like predictable fights so this one was really interesting. One thing I think you should include in the next chapter is the emotions and feelings of the opponent's pokémon as well as the two main characters' emotions. It can be easy to show from the main character's point of view.
I'm excited to know what the plot of this will turn out to be, so I'll be sure to keep reading future chapters! (Also, about the Guest Star thing, would I be able to make a character?)
Good luck on your story!
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xD Thanks about the mistakes! I'll fix 'em up. About the "out-burst" thing, it would probably be better in a different context. xD
The type disadvantage comment sounds way better than "super effectiveness", lol.
And, uh, the thing is...I kinda already have about 6 chapters written already, so yeah. x3 I think there's a bit more emotion in part two for the Golem, and the reason I didn't include any there is because, well, it is from Dusty's point of view which means I can't interpret other Pokemon's feelings as well as I could without the whole first-person view thing.
But anyways, thanks a bunch for your comments Scy, and I'm glad you liked it! :D
And yeah, go for it! It would be happy for you to have a character. :D I don't know how long I would have them in for, though. :O And they might not appear till later in the story. :3
~GS.
EDIT: I had to post the chapter here because there were too many characters in the first post!
Chapter one: The Battle
I stood by the side of my best friend.
The only friend I had had in a long time who understood me. She would always be there to comfort me in the darkest of times, and help me along the way when things got tough. The fact that we were both females only made it easier to connect. We were meant to be best buddies. And we knew it.
Although she did have a somewhat different way of expressing herself and going about things, we both felt comforted by one another. Ever since I was a little eevee, my trainer and I would search all over the regions for new pokémon to befriend. We came across thousands upon thousands of pokémon throughout our journey, but not once did I admire a pokémon the same way I look up to Izante.
One day, when I was still an eevee, both my trainer and I happened to bump into a human. A male human. Straight away did I sense a something special between him and my female trainer, and I was happy for her. She seemed attracted to this gentleman, as did he to her. And that had to mean his pokémon would make a great friend.
It was that same fateful day when I met Izante, of course. She too was an eevee, but we both eventually evolved. She had evolved first, growing many new features. The deep green curvy leaf on the top of her head had waved while her sword-like tail, being almost fully green, had danced in the soft breeze. Her whole body became a light, sandy cream colour, matching her large head. Her big brown eyes were full of wonder, but not the slightest bit of wisdom. She had brown socks on her paws, or so they were called because of the colour change from the maize. Her ears were big and nicely shaped, and were an emerald green colour, with obvious, darker green veins flowing through them, resembling leaf veins. These same lines scribbled her tail. She was as beautiful as the Moon's reflection shining off the sparkling surface of a lake back then, and just the same today.
The thought of ‘today’ caught me off guard and snapped me back into the present. The sweet smell of a near-victory passed through my nostrils as I stared back at the two pokémon that Izante and I were facing, eying them carefully. They must have thought about the irony of two female eevee evolutions up against them at once. Maybe the combination of a flareon and leafeon together was perhaps a little bit intimidating. However, there was no way I could have known. The two pokémon in front of me had minds that I clearly had no access to.
One of the pokémon was a butterfree, who was a butterfly pokémon with large rounded wings, each twice the size of her body. The wings had black trails flowing through and outlining them like thin string. Her body – not too much bigger than her head - was a deep purple, and she had two red orbs for eyes on either side of her face. A small mouth-like feature was placed below in the centre of her head, under the eyes, which had two small pointy white teeth poking out. Two blue feet, the same colour as its three-pronged small paws, were dangling from the body, and a long pair of antennae protruded from the top of the butterfree's head like two strands of hair. The pokémon was hovering above ground by slowly beating her large wings back and forth.
The second opponent was a golem—a very round and heavy boulder-like pokémon. His small, snake-like head was copper, holding two vicious eyes with scarlet irises. There were two strong arms poking out both sides of the Rock pokémon, embedded with three fingers that had sharp claws on the ends. The two powerful legs under his body were obviously strong, being able to support his weight.
Seeing as the golem was a rock and ground type pokémon, Izante had been attacking him, as she had the advantage. The butterfree, however, was all mine. The few fire attacks that I had launched at her seemed to have weakened her quite a bit, and I could see her panting with exhaustion. Obviously, we had the upper hand.
Izante glanced at me with a grin and frowning eyes, making her appearance malicious-looking. I reflected her expression, thinking that this battle would end now if not sooner.
“Dusty!” called my master. I flung my head towards her. The long brown wavy fur on her head swayed in the wind as the calls reached my ears. The small hazel eyes on her face glinted as sunlight passed through them. Her expression was filled with determination and belief in me. I was so lucky to have such a trainer. “Attack that butterfree with a flamethrower!” she commanded, and I nodded a brief ‘okay’.
I took less than a second to lock onto my target before a hot jet of streaming flames shot towards the bug and flying foe. “Hhaaaaa!!” I called into the afternoon light.
The two trainers we were up against commanded their golem to block the attack, and the fire did not harm him in the slightest.
‘What a waste of energy!’ I thought, scoffing as the golem barely felt the warm fire against his rock shell. But that was when Izante jumped in. She had probably been thinking along the same lines as me. Great minds think alike!
My friend swung around and savagely used a leaf blade attack with her tail on the golem, which injured the foe badly due to the type disadvantage.
I seized the chance of an off-guarded butterfree, and released a stream of fire onto her frail body, scorching her and causing the butterfly pokémon to shriek in pain. I smiled greasily with satisfaction. It wasn't too often that I was involved with trainer battles – because they weren’t easy to stumble upon – and when I was, I loved to win and know that I was controlling the fight—relating to power and advantages.
The butterfree reeled back and fluttered her broad wings furiously at me. I struggled to stand my ground and fight the whirlwind attack. It
was working, but barely. The force was just not enough, and I managed to stay on the spot, although being pushed back a little bit at a time.
All of a sudden, an explosion of pain erupted in my left side, and I was tossed through the air to crash land on the dirt, grazing my skin a little. A gravel-grinding sound zoomed around me while I contemplated my pain. “UHGH!” I yelped in a cry of discomfort. I instantly knew that I had been hit with something I was weak to.
“Dusty,” a familiar voice chanted, “watch out for that golem’s attacks!” It was Master calling to me.
I lifted my head from the ground, and spotted the golem close—too close! I swiftly bounded to my feet and barely dodged the great Rock pokémon’s rollout move in time to still be standing. He skimmed my bushy tail as he screamed past, but seeing my tail was almost entirely fur, I didn’t feel anything relating to pain... Unless I was referring to the aching pain in the side of my body. But that was a different issue.
I nearly stumbled as I stood on all fours. The rollout attack had really caught me at a bad time, and when I was least expecting it. It’s a pretty terrible feeling to be hit unexpectedly—especially when the attack is one of the worst to hit me.
I eyed the golem with focus as he sped towards me along the ground. Golem could heat-seek their targets when they were curled like a ball so as to guarantee a direct hit—or at least to be able to stay on track.
He whirled around and came back at full speed towards me. I stood a little dazed at the incoming attack before me, and that’s when I heard a shriek from my trainer. “Dusty! Watch out, girl!”
I pushed off the stony dirt and sprang to the left. However, the golem came straight back around and flew into my right side this time. I screamed before I hurtled to the ground, inconveniently landing on Izante, who was nearby. We both tumbled, and I could feel my energy going down at a rapid pace. I rolled off my friend and onto the ground beside her.
The little bell attached to the collar around my neck jingled and made a pretty little sound. The bell was a miniature chingling—yellow with a red and white scarf-like feature wrapped around its neck. However, the features were minuscule, but detailed magnificently. I think it had been quite expensive in human currency.
Izante seemed to yell at me a bit after we were done groaning in pain, but only because I crashed into her while she was in the middle of regaining her health, using her synthesis attack to do so.
“Sorry!” I blurted out, turning towards her. We both hauled ourselves back up. Izante’s tail was sagging, and her eyes were tinged with fury. Mine would have been, but I was too busy feeling sorry for myself because of all the injuries I had withstood.
‘I wonder how Izante’s feeling... I hope it isn’t too bad,’ I thought.
‘Well, better get back on track. The butterfree and golem’ll be coming back any second.’ Izante and I stood next to each other, eying the golem that sped toward us, still curled in a ball. “Wait for it...” I slowly said, standing with my legs shoulder-width apart for support.
“Wait for it..!” Izante mimicked.
The spinning golem neared and we readied ourselves. “Now!” called our masters.
“FEEL THE WRATH OF MY FIRE!” I yelled, boiling hot flames inside me.
“EAT GRASS!” Izante exclaimed, looking as if she was doing the same. I stole a quick glance from her, confused at what she had said as opposed to what I had said; she just shrugged by widening her eyes, focusing back on track.
Simultaneously, Izante and I unleashed a staggering combination of fire and grass energy, which stopped the golem in his tracks, and I watched the colourful power surge through his body. I expressed more of my anger, harnessing it loud and clear. All around us, dirt and dust from the ground rose and whipped wildly around the trees, forcing the grass to bow down before us. This was mine and Izante’s combination of autumn ray and molten flow, our two special attacks. It took a lot out of us, but they were powerful moves which dealt a serious amount of damage.
After a good, long burst of energy and tiring effort, our attacks ceased, and we both stared at the golem who had been knocked out cold, and the butterfree who had been blown away—but was still going!
Exhausted, I collapsed onto the ground, panting. I could still fight – I could tell by the rage and the boiling feeling inside of me – but I wanted just one moment to catch my breath again. I heard Izante bound off, most likely to attempt to now faint the butterfree and end the match for us. However, I lay on the cold earthy ground with my eyelids closed, making an effort to regain the most energy I could get my fangs around. Maybe after I had rested for long enough, I would be able to stick with my best friend to fight the Bug and Flying type. After all, I did have the advantage over her.
I managed to get a grip of some more strength, but it would take a while before I was going to be fully recovered enough in order to put up a good fight if need be. However, I did not think it was necessary to be thinking about fighting now. Izante had bounded off to take care of our flying foe, which she could most likely handle on her own, and the golem had fallen hard.
“Great job, Dust!” praised my master from another side of the field, and I smiled inwardly.
Just when I thought I could get a few minutes to myself, I sensed and then heard someone approaching—and I assumed it would be Master. I stayed put and kept my eyes closed. Sometimes it was better to use my hearing instead of my sight.
I then heard a voice trying to persuade me to get up and continue fighting... But wait... This one wasn’t one I recognised! It was extremely low and gravelly, and had an angry quality to it. And when I came to think of it, the footsteps were loud and too irregular for it to be my master.
It was then when I sensed a shadow towering over my back. As my heart pounded, I quickly whipped my head around to see two large, brown, rough feet. I looked upwards at the figure, and to my surprise, it was the golem again.
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Okay, yeah, that's it. Please tell me what you think, and I would like to hear some feedback! Correction is welcome. :3
~Xanthe.