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Old 01-28-2009, 05:57 PM
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EmBreon Offline
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Default Re: The Ultimate Story

I think you've waited long enough.

Story/Plot: Well, I think this story has a lot of truly great moments. I enjoyed how you captured certain scenes and emotions so perfectly. For instance, just about every area with Kangaskhan involved really made for a very powerful picture. I could feel her rage and her presence just the way you described it.

On the other hand, there were parts of this story that were a complete opposite. Very dry, very…emotionless. It could have been a robot telling this story; planting in adjectives where they belonged, describing scenes as monotone as would be expected from something artificial. And really, it is obvious that you are quite the talented writer, so I feel telling you this might give you insight from a new perspective and the drive to give your writing something more.

Regardless, as cliché as the root of this plot might have been, it was written very creatively. All I can say is, perhaps make some things less predictable. Apart from Kangaskhan turning out to be blind, there were really no surprises and readers dig those.

Anyway, sometimes I feel like I am making no sense at all, so please ask if you have no idea what I’m talking about.

Grammar/Spelling: This is the very first story I've read here that was successfully completed in present tense. It didn't feel awkward at all; you've written this very fluidly.

And honestly, you really did great here. I’ve yet to read any story without a single typo, so apart from an occasional mix-up of ‘your’, ‘you’re’ and dialogue punctuation, there really wasn’t much to notice. Just pay a bit more attention to your usage of commas after things like introductory words and phrases.

Oh, and I should say that you shifted scenes quite a bit. It was a little difficult to follow. Writing needs a bit slower pace, things aren’t as easily pictured here as they are in movies. Just an opinion, though. :x Everything else was just dandy.

Detail/Description: As I said earlier, very robotic. It was perfect in the sense that everything was described thoroughly, but it was… to be blunt, boring in most places. Put some passion behind your words. Fill it with sarcasm or rudeness or joy; whatever you’re feeling when you write something, there are words to portray that.

In an effort to not sound like a total meanie, there were moments when I could really feel this story. The scene with the female scientist ‘Destiny’, for example. I found myself feeling, or at least understanding her emotions as her life’s work was destroyed before her eyes. You really captured that moment in a way that you hadn’t through a good majority of the rest of the story.

I realize this is most likely just a story you wrote for fun, for this game, but just maybe what I am telling you here might be somewhat helpful for your writing in general. If you write outside of here in the first place. :P

Anyway…yeah. Whatever.

Length: Fine

Battle: Probably my favorite part of all of this, surprisingly. It was very spontaneous, very real. I find myself telling most people to stop mimicking the games (one attacks, then the other), and be more original. And this is a perfect example of that.

This was a place where your descriptions were very spot-on. Every attack I could see vividly unfolding from each instant to the next. And I must say, the pummeling demeanor of that rogue Kangaskhan was very entertaining. I honestly don’t think I’ve read a battle written as well as this, so well done here.

Outcome: Not much else to say, I think you did very well for this creature. Kangaskhan captured!

Oh, and I was wondering where I could find one of those Kecleons. That thing was the James Bond of this story, very handy.

Last edited by EmBreon; 01-29-2009 at 03:09 AM.
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