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Old 10-24-2008, 05:35 AM
Gem N Ems's Avatar
Gem N Ems Offline
Kage no Hikari.
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: In my own world.
Posts: 6,807
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Default Re: Within Her Wildest Wishes

Well, this story isn't too bad. I'm still trying to find out where Delilah is. xD

Hmm, your description isn't bad, maybe a little more wouldn't hurt?

I'm having trouble reading some of your sentences though. The structure within them seems to be a little off.

Her nice, amber eyes couldn’t outshine the prettiness of the room, but indeed look perfect.
'looked' would go better here.

Then the moving eagle appeared what looked like an old time note. Those one pieces of old, sand paper.
I was just stuck on this one.

Other than that, it's not bad. Your formatting is quite nice, and the story seems intriguing too.


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