Originally Posted by Kendo
I knew this was going to scare me. First of all, instead of "Ok newbies line up are you ready torumble yah yah yah" or whatever, you should ADD MORE PUNCTUATION. And instead of OK, you might want to say Okay. Like so...
"Okay, newbies, line up! Are you ready to rumble? Yah yah yah..."
CAPITALIZE THEIR NAMES. That neo in the first sentence should be Neo, with a capital N.
TRY TO AVOID SLANG. "O" should be "Oh," words like "lol" should be avoided in the future.
MAKE SURE YOUR SENTENCES MAKE SENSE. "We had to choose between a coke machine..." ...And what? A Coke machine and WHAT!?!?
DESCRIBE THEIR SURROUNDINGS. They're in an office building...right? But we don't KNIW that! And how do they get to each floor? Uh, they ask that wizard guy from Final Fantasy to transport them there? I'm clueless. And is Neo a Pikachu, or a person, and what does everybody look like, and so on...
Also, no offense, but your grammar is ALWAYS kind of off...in your posts and in your story...
How many time's do I have to explain to you that I'm from Iceland and speak Icelandic and my grammar will ALWAYS be off.
your grammar is not perfect either,
But I'll try to fix these things you pointed out to me.