K, leaving a comment.
Frankly, this was very bad. I'm not going to sugarcoat the truth, because I don't want to get your hopes up.
First off, run this through a spell checker, and break it up into paragraphs. One clunk of text like that isn't appealing to read.
Secondly, for your grammar. Make sure to capitalize proper nouns, and the beginning of sentences. Don't use internet phrases like "omg", it makes your story look unprofessional. I took the first couple lines in your "story" and corrected them.
"Ok newbies Line up" yelled neo at the newbies in the waiting room, "follow me" and that they did like a heard of sheep's they followed him, "Ok this is the first floor were we do all of the trading and keep the people that have nothing to do", In that weary moment Jack walked by and said "Hey now have you seen my crossword puzzle?"
"Did you check your shirt pocket?" Neo replied "No, why would I do that?" Jack answered,,, "OMG just do it" cried neo, "OMG how did you know it was there!!!" Jack squealed,,, "I'm Psychic" Neo said with a sarcastic tone in his voice.
"Okay, newbies, line up!" yelled Neo at the newbies in the waiting room. "Follow me," and that they did like, a herd of sheeps they followed him. "Okay, this is the first floor were we do all of the trading and keep the people that have nothing to do."
In that weary moment Jack walked by and said, "Hey now have you seen my crossword puzzle?"
"Did you check your shirt pocket?" Neo replied.
"No, why would I do that?" Jack answered.
"Oh my God, just do it!" cried Neo.
"Oh my God, how did you know it was there!?" Jack squealed.
"I'm psychic" Neo said with a sarcastic tone in his voice.
See how much more professional it looks?
Thirdly, add detail. I don't have a clear image of what's going on. Describe your characters, their surroundings, and their actions.
Honestly, you should go read some other stories on PE2K-- I have nothing against the Fan Fiction section, but when I look in there, most of the stories aren't that great. Read some stories in the URPG Stories, especially Phantom Kat, Tyranitar Trainer, Pokemon Trainer Sarah, Lord Celebi, and Daughter of Suicune's stories.
And this really wasn't my best, but if you post a story in the URPG Stories, I'll happily give more feedback.