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Old 08-22-2008, 08:13 PM
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The Jr Trainer Offline
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Chicago, Illinois
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Default Re: The Legendary Traitor

This was interesting, for sure. I've never quite read a story about a war of humans versus alien like creatures. Though, I caught onto it eventually which took a bit of the surprise out of the ending of the whole thing, but nonetheless, the story was a great read since it's not anything like usual stories and it's a great load different than some of the stories that people consider to be creative. So yes, I did like it, but I could see it being improved. It seemed like everything happened quite fast; maybe you could've done something to spread out the timeline and drag out the story a small bit. Maybe where you put "Two week later" you could've told what happened in that two weeks. Maybe the knight had nightmares of what would happen in the future and prepared for his fight, or you know, something that would kinda be a filler but still fit in with the story.

Hmm... interesting, nothing really I can critisize other than that really. It was a great read, the whole mood and feel of it, made me feel like I was watching from a screen, and I could actually know what they were thinking and why things were said in a way like they were. That dark mood, but not something evil, more old and creepy and dimmed. Giving a mood - as you did - is a good way to get the reader to be collasped inside the story, getting them into it, if they're stuck inside the story they'll be more interested as what is to happen next, and whether they guess right or wrong they'll still enjoy the whole thrill of reading because they're so connected to the story.

Good good good plot. Though you didn't really include anything that was really Pokemon-y (though I thought some of the creatures were humans? The gray humaniods) it still made since to be a story for a Pokemon... if that makes sense at all... so yes! I liked it. :p

I think by the time I'd read the first 3 paragraphs or so I was stuck and couldn't stop reading. I've said this before, and time after time I still think it means a lot: you don't want them (the reader) to want to keep reading, but for them to not be able to stop reading. Making it exciting or sad or romantic--- something that will get them hooked in the first little bit of your story that will make whoever is reading get sucked up by the story and not be able to stop thinking about what will happen next. A good beginning will make for a good ending, remember that. ;)

The mood (I'm a broken record, yes xP) that you included in the first bit of your story it seemed very worrying, as if someone was worrying about something. Almost like the characters himself was thinking of what would happen next. That's good, making the reader think about what will happen next, makes them question your story - and if they're wrong they'll want to keep reading, if that makes sense; when they're wrong that means something they didn't expect happened, which means they will want to read more since they want more surprisement (or for me at least o_O).

This was, well, flawless for the most part. All I really saw was a few typos here and there, but those don't really mean anything considering I'm pretty sure that you know what you're doing, and that we all make little mistakes sometimes. So it's no problem really. :o

The King shrugged in response, "as you wish."
I just wanted to point this out. I would think (not 100% sure though) that the 'a' in 'as' would be capital since the king is starting a new sentence technically. D:

Yea that's all I really saw that was completely and utterly wrong even though it's not even that big of a deal. xD

Like 22.5k characters. Good enough for me.

This was just good enough for me. Sure, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't like overwhelming awesome. Just good enough I'd say. :o Not that that's a bad thing, possibly I'm just used to reading an overdone detailed story. XP But yes, yes, yes; this is perfect for me. Anything less would seem like almost nothing and anymore would be just extra that I wouldn't really see needed. I like how your description was like the mood. It was dark, and almost evil, and how people talked made it seem all the more real. When your whole story fits together like that it makes for one quite awesome read that is hard to dislike, which this story was. :p

Again, yes, I'm going to talk about the mood! It, at times, made the story itself. Kinda scary, creepy-- I think you get it by now. But really, a mood of a story (sad, happy, scary, suspensefull, etc) can make a story very unique and appealing, no matter who the reader is.

Perfect for me, you didn't go overload and didn't do under what is really needed. ^_^

I guess you could say this was different? Very different indeed. Along with the rest of the story, this didn't seem to be very Pokemon related, but I got the just of it. It was long, detailed, two sided-- well more one sided, but good enough. I could see it being a bit longer, and maybe actually having Pokemon in it, but like I said I got it for the most part.

Though, in the end it doesn't matter much since this worked for me and I can't really say much about it so........

Final Outcome:
Good story. I really did like it, so without further...... something or other... Gaslty captured!! Have fun with the ghost, it shall be a great partner in the future!

[/endcrappygrade] :D

Last edited by The Jr Trainer; 08-24-2008 at 12:05 AM.
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