Thread: [Pokemon] Mind Whisperer
View Single Post
Old 07-20-2008, 08:02 AM
Larvinator's Avatar
Larvinator Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: N/A
Posts: 2,140
Send a message via AIM to Larvinator Send a message via Skype™ to Larvinator
Default Re: Mind Whisperer

D= Poor lil Minun and...well, actually, I don't like Glameow, BUT STILL. xD

I must keep an eye on this one. The plot is already intriguing and a bit dark in just the first chapter. The description was fine, don't worry; it's hard to descibe in the opening chapter unless it starts with a bang. However, the part with the Mightyena was excellently written and described, so yay. =D

Now, it's Super Annoying Nitpicking Time! 8D

I saw a grand total of two repeated things that bothered me. That makes you awesome at grammar. The first was a repetition of some words in the same sentence or two.
The lush forest was usually beautiful, with lush trees and a variety of berry bushes and ferns
Using lush twice makes the sentence a bit choppy and distracting. Maybe you could say healthy trees instead?
The moon, obscured by dark clouds, made the peaceful environment appear dark and hostile.
Same thing here with dark. Maybe shadowy and hostile?

And the other mild problem was with the dreaded semicolons.
The other was catlike; a purple and white furred pokémon with a long, thin tail which was coiled like a spring.
In order to use a semicolon, you need to make sure that both sentences make sense standing alone and have a subject and predicate.
The other was catlike. A purple and white furred pokemon with a long, thin tail coiled like a spring.
The second sentence has no predicate, so you can't make it a semicolon. You can reword the two sentences a wee bit and then combine them with a comma, though.
For what seemed like a long time, the two waited; Cera watching as Kinje became fascinated with the fact that INSERT STUFF HERE
Same thing here; the second sentence doesn't make sense if it stands alone. This was in a bunch of places, so you should probably look over it again and see if you can weed out some places were the semicolons should be commas.

With my evil criticism out of the way, you're a great writer and I'm definitely remembering to check on this story. <3 Keep writing!
Originally Posted by The KKK Official Site
The Ku Klux Klan, LLC. has not or EVER will have ANY connection with The "Westboro Baptist Church".
Reply With Quote