Thread: Small Blue Eyes
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Old 05-14-2008, 12:27 AM
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Phantom Kat Offline
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Default Re: Small Blue Eyes

Sorry for the wait but hope the grade makes up for that. =)

Plot: Lilly has just suffered the loss of her mother and is taken in by her dad who lives in a church with a youth named James. In her room awaits her a surprise, a Budew and a Pokemon guide book. Lilly is excited and goes to practice battling, reading her guide book whenever she needs to look something up. As she is talking to James, a Poliwag appears. Eager to do some real battling, Budew and Poliwag face off.

I liked it, it was good for a Poliwag. Everybody gets tired in seeing one trainer story after the other where the character is cocky and confident; I’m glad you took a different approach here. It was interesting that Lilly didn’t even know what a Pokemon was, but I have a hard time believing that if she lives in the Pokemon world. Does she live in some kind of old town where Pokemon are kept away or exterminated or something like that? With stuff like this, it’s not a good idea to let the reader guess why because that will make the story seem unrealistic. An explanation about stuff like this can always help in the long run even if it seems tedious to explain.

Another thing I would like to point out is that we never really got to know why Lilly was sad, we don’t what “happened too fast for her”. Did her parents get a divorce (I think that’s what happened from one sentence), did her mother die? We can’t feel sorry for the character, we can’t begin to understand her if we don’t know why she is sad or happy to scare. This can be overlook because it’s for a Simple Pokemon and all, but just make sure you explain further in your future stories.

Introduction: This was nice as well. It opened up with sad mood, which I haven’t seen many stories do. Like I said earlier, though, it’s always better to explain things so that the readers aren’t left wondering.

In your introduction, I could see Lilly somewhat but not everything else. I couldn’t see her house, her dad, the car, or the surroundings around them. Despite the fact that the introduction is mostly centered on Lilly’s emotions, we still need to see what and who is around her. As she sadly shuffles to the car with her suitcase, you can describe the house she left behind or the quiet houses around her. As she is staring out the window with a solemn gaze, you can describe her father as he is staring t her from the front seat. In small ways like that, you can describe basically everything in the introduction while still centering on Lilly’s feelings.

Something else you can add to the introduction is a bit of the character’s background history. How old is Lilly? Where does she live? Was she happy with her family before something happened to the mother?

Grammar/Description: This was good, I didn’t see any major mistakes and the mistakes I did see were minor.

Quote:
Her dull blue eyes looked up at the cloudy, gray sky.
You don’t need a comma if a color is following an adjective.

Quote:
]She looked up at her father fondly and nodded at his as she looked back at the flower.
Should be “him”.

Quote:
]She placed the flower into an indentation in the dress made just for a flower.
The second “flower” makes the sentence seem a bit redundant. You can replace it with something like “the delicate plant” or “the violet gift”.

Quote:
It sat looking pondered at her.
“Pondered” is a past tense verb, not an adjective. You can replace it with something like “quizzically”.

Quote:
Budew began to focus her mind towards the tree.
You sometimes referred to Budew as “it” and sometimes as “she”. Pick one and stick with it, don’t switch from one to the other.

Quote:
"So, Lilly, what's on your mind?" the gentle man in his twenties said to the small girl only six.
It doesn’t sound right, I think you’re missing a “who was” in between “girl” and “only”.

Quote:
She ran to her Pokémon that was now about 50 feet away from her.
All numbers below “100” should be capitalized. So “50” should be “fifty”.

Length: Over the max, nice going, keep it up!

Description/Detail: This area was a bit iffy. You had nice adjectives going on like the dad’s warm face how Lilly occasionally smiled. However, other than their actions and some occasional thing like the wallpaper of Lilly’s new room, things were sort of bland. James and Lilly’s dad weren’t described at all and Lilly herself was only described with blue eyes and a flowered dress. We need to see ALL characters as clearly as possible, we need to have a good picture of them so that we can follow them throughout the story. Even unimportant Pokemon like Poliwag need to be described just as well as Budew.

For this section, concentrate on describing more of the characters and their surroundings (the church, the house she left behind, the area she was practicing battling in). Bring them to life, make it as though we knew them our whole lives.

Battle: This was good for the small Water type. Both sides got good hits despite the fact that Budew exploited its enemy’s weaknesses with Absorb. All I can say is to describe the attacks more thoroughly, more vividly so it adds some spice and excitement to the battle and to make the moves more vary; Budew has Water Sport, Stun Spore, Mega Drain, and Worry Seed in its arsenal in addition to Growth and Absorb and Poliwag has a ton of other attacks, as well, the battle can be made very exciting if both of them use a good amount of different moves.

Outcome: This wasn’t hard to decide: Poliwag captured! Elaborate on your description throughout the story, and don’t forget to explain things in your story that might leave the reader guessing. Other than that, have fun with Poliwag, and PM me if you ever need me again! ^^

- Kat
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