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Old 05-11-2008, 01:13 AM
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Phantom Kat Offline
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Default Re: The Elecrtified Soul of the Magnemite

Sorry, we went to see "Iron Man". ^^;

(That movie was compeltely awesome!)

Well, it's good though I could see you using more. Since the rest of the story was nice, I'll say: Magnemite captured! However, you have to step it up a notch in your decriptions in your future stories, really make it vivid and colorful or else you'll fall short of capturing the Pokemon you want. reading succesful URPG stories can show you how vivd description should be written. Just keep that in mind for next time, okay?

And what I mean about the paragraphs is that instead of having your story like this:

Quote:
“I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!” said Steve with a chuckle “GO! HYPNO!” A Hypno that had gogeous yet evil puple eyes and a walk so calming came out of the shiny red Poke Ball and quickly took out a silver stopwatch that had carvings of ancient runes, swung it side to side, and put Magnemites sleepy body to sleep. Magnemite wanted nothing more than this but knew at the same time he has to wake up…but…one more minute…
“NO! DON’T GO!” Magnemite dreamed “NO! PLEASE!” the Magnemite in his dream sobbed. The small Magnemite was on a dinner plate with blue and red dragons all over it. “Hmmmmmmm…needs…something…” said some dark figured man. “NO! NO PLEASE DON’T!” said Magnemite. “Don’t worry. You’ll taste just fine with ketchup! Maybe a little bit of Parmesan, too?” said Ronald Reagan with gray hair and a menacing look on his face. Magnemite woke up. There were metal rims every where in the capsule that he was trapped inside of. He saw many gizmos that whirred like trains and spun around and around. He pulled every thing he could hoping he could get out. He groaned a long, drawn out groan. He thought about the possible places he could be. He realized that he was no longer tired and that was an up side. He also noticed that there was no Steve here! That was a big improvement on where he was before…but he had no idea how he could get out of this death capsule…and that’s when it him so hard that he will probably see stars for the rest of his life…he was in a poke ball. He hit everything, trying to get out. He tried stopping the whirring gizmos, the spinning gizmos, and he even flew into the sides a couple times. He felt the ball wiggle once. He felt the ball wiggle twice. “OH MY GOD NO!” he thought in pain. And then…
This would look neater:

Quote:
“I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!” said Steve with a chuckle

“GO! HYPNO!”

A Hypno that had gogeous yet evil puple eyes and a walk so calming came out of the shiny red Poke Ball and quickly took out a silver stopwatch that had carvings of ancient runes, swung it side to side, and put Magnemites sleepy body to sleep. Magnemite wanted nothing more than this but knew at the same time he has to wake up…but…one more minute…

“NO! DON’T GO!” Magnemite dreamed “NO! PLEASE!” the Magnemite in his dream sobbed.

The small Magnemite was on a dinner plate with blue and red dragons all over it. “Hmmmmmmm…needs…something…” said some dark figured man.

“NO! NO PLEASE DON’T!” said Magnemite.

“Don’t worry. You’ll taste just fine with ketchup! Maybe a little bit of Parmesan, too?” said Ronald Reagan with gray hair and a menacing look on his face.

Magnemite woke up. There were metal rims every where in the capsule that he was trapped inside of. He saw many gizmos that whirred like trains and spun around and around. He pulled every thing he could hoping he could get out. He groaned a long, drawn out groan. He thought about the possible places he could be. He realized that he was no longer tired and that was an up side. He also noticed that there was no Steve here! That was a big improvement on where he was before…but he had no idea how he could get out of this death capsule…and that’s when it him so hard that he will probably see stars for the rest of his life…he was in a poke ball. He hit everything, trying to get out. He tried stopping the whirring gizmos, the spinning gizmos, and he even flew into the sides a couple times. He felt the ball wiggle once. He felt the ball wiggle twice.

“OH MY GOD NO!” he thought in pain.

And then…
See, it doesn't look so bunched up now, it looks better, and it's easier to read. Doing this to your stories will give it a better first impression. =)

- Kat
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