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Old 05-10-2008, 07:05 PM
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Phantom Kat Offline
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Default Re: The Elecrtified Soul of the Magnemite

Here I am! ^^

Plot: So a Magnemite is charging up his team’s batteries when he sees that the Fir types might have done something to the batteries. When he goes to Zapdos, he eventually just goes home and saves his breath. However, when he gets to his neighborhood, he sees a Magmortar and immediately gets angry. This soon leads up into a battle between the Magnetite (with a Starmie comrade) and the Magmortars. Zapdos sees the thunder and rain from where he is and goes to check it out. Moltres also goes to help out his fellow Fire types but clashes with Zapdos instead, creating an aerial fight. Magnemite, still in the battle, catches sight of Steven and immediately wants to get revenge for causing his parents’ death. After a long battle, Magnemite is in the Poke Ball, trying to escape.

First, I would like to congratulate you on having a unique plot for your first story. Most of the time, first stories have to do with a trainer going into the forest and finding a Pokemon, a plot so overused that is not even funny. This was certainly interesting with some kind of rivalry between the Magnemite and the Magmortars with this later escalating into a huge battle that even includes two legendaries. The whole thing with Steven and the death of the Magnemite parents a nice twist, as well. However, there are some parts that were confusing. For example, where did Will Smith and his Rapidash come from? Where did Steven come from and why exactly was he looking for Magnemite? You have to be careful that you don’t make a plot too random where it just leaves the reader, “Hey, why in the world did that happen?” Explain as many things as you can, take your time in telling us why this and that happened. Maybe Steven was looking for Magnemite to take him in because was guilty in killing its parents and giving him a good home might make up for it. Maybe Will Smith saw the commotion and felt it was wrong for such a small Pokemon being pummeled by a Magmortar. Before the story ends, answer all unanswered questions so that story wraps up nicely.

Introduction: This was so-so. You told us what Magnemite was doing and why, and that’s a good start; I didn’t want to see Magnemite pop from out from the blue just so that the story could start. On the other hand, there we some things that you didn’t add. What did Magnemite look like? Where was he? In an introduction you need to introduce the character and his surroundings. Who was Magnemite, what’s the deal with him? Is he some kind of Pokemon who is always looking for trouble and likes to mess with people, or he is he a kind and caring soul who just wants to help people out? Also, where was the racetrack and why was he there? You just need to elaborate on these things because, remember, we’ve never met the characters or been to the racetrack before so we don’t know anything at all.

Grammar/Spelling: This was quite good, I didn’t see any glaring mistakes. There are some things I would to mention:

Magnemite was having an average day at the racetrack charging various car batteries for his Poke’mon race team.
To have the accent on the “e”, just press “Alt” and type “130”. It should give you this: Ú.

Now there were 3 enraged Magmortars and the Magnemite knew he had to help!
All numbers below “100” should be spelled out so “3” should be “three”.

150 years ago, Steve was working on the power plant so that Zapados had a place where cities wouldn’t be destroyed and he could gain electrical energy.
This is an exception to the rule I mentioned above. If a number starts out a sentence, it should be written out no matter what. So “150” here should be “One hundred and fifty”

Magnemite just wanted to crawl up into a poke’ ball and let nurse Joy rest him back to health.
“Nurse” needs to be capitalized. The whole thing should be “Nurse Joy”.

Riolu tied and tried but just couldn’t attack Magnemite with his quick attack.
In my opinion, all Pokemon attacks and other Pokemon related words should be capitalized so “quick attack” should be “Quick Attack” and “poke ball” should be “Poke Ball”.

Also, your story would look neater if you started a new paragraph when someone talks like how they do it in the books. It doesn’t effect your grade or anything, but it will be easier to read, and it will give your story a more professional look.

Length: Just above 10K. It’s always good to aim for the middle just in case your others areas lack; extra length can help you out. You can add extra length by expanding more on the plot.

Description/Detail: Well, other than a few adjectives here and there, there wasn’t really any. We need to see both the characters and the surroundings so that as the story goes, we have a clear picture in our mind. Even though this is a Pokemon forum, you still need to describe the Pokemon just as well as you do the human characters. What did Magnemite look like? Rapidash? Magmortar? How about the humans: Will Smith and Steven? Also, some description about where they are, what things look like around them (like how the buildings round them look like, the plant life, etc.), can help us in visualizing what is happening.

Battle: The battle, for the most part, was good. It was interesting for you to use three Pokemon to fight the Magnemite. However, it as sort of unrealistic because I can’t really see a Magnemite winning against both a Ponyta (who had a type advantage over Magnemite) and a Riolu, but it isn’t such a big deal, just make sure avoid making Magnetite a little bit too powerful.

Description is also a must in this area. The attacks need to be seen ratehr than read. How did Sonicboom look like; was it a wave that rippled the air and made everybody covered their ears in pain? Did the Embers look like blood-red fire balls that soared through the air like min suns? Just take your time and describe the battle more, make it exciting. This is the ending of the story, you want to end it with a bang!

Outcome: This was borderline since it’s you first story and the plot was good, but there was basically no description and a Medium Pokemon needs some kind of description. For now: Magnemite not captured! This was a good story, and I liked it because it was out of the norm. Just add some description to the characters (Magbemite, the Magmortars, Steven, etc.) and the surroundings (the racetrack, the neighborhood), and the magnet is yours. Just PM me for a re-grade when you’re ready. ^^

- Kat

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