Re: [Zelda] Ocarina of Time Parody
Lol, glad to know the writing itself is funny. Although, there are a lot of inside jokes coming up that you have to play the game to really understand. They're still funny on their own, though, because you're like "WTF is that supposed to mean? HA!"
CHAPTER SEVEN: GOING INTO HYRULE FIELD
White: So, our next destination is to find the rich chick the Deku Tree was talking about, I guess.
Yellow: Yeah. …Say, you guys know what rhymes with Deku Tree?
Saria: Hi, guys! I heard you guys are leaving to go save the world!
White: That’s right, and it’s very important, so if you could just… maybe run a few yards… off of this bridge…
Saria: Tee hee hee! But then I’d fall and break my ankle, silly!
White: …I know…
Saria: I have a gift for you!
Yellow: YAAA! Everyone duck and cover!
Saria: It’s a Fairy Ocarina!
Navi: What is with you people? Can’t you make anything without sacrificing the lives of poor, innocent little fairies?
White: Just ignore her. Thanks for the ocarina, Saria. Now, we gotta-
Saria: When you play it, you’ll think of me, right?
White: …Not really. Now, we gotta-
Saria: We’ll be friends forever, right?
Black: Since when were we friends?
White: We really gotta-
Saria: You’ll still come back to the forest to visit us, right?
White: SARIA! We gotta-
Saria: If the Deku Tree died in the forest, but no one was around to hear it, you didn’t kill him, right?
Yellow: On the count of three, head for the hills… one, two, three!
*All four run away and completely exit the Kokiri Forest*
Saria: Wait! Come back! I haven’t finished my heartbreaking, tearjerking monologue yet! …Great, now I’ll never win an Emmy.
IN HYRULE FIELD
White: …Finally! Well, at least maybe this ocarina will come in handy.
Yellow: Okay, seriously, guys, you know what rhymes with Deku Tree?
Kaepora Gaebora:: Hoot!
Yellow: Wrong answer! *shoots Kaepora Gaebora with slingshot*
Kaepora Gaebora:: Ouch! Why did you do that?
Yellow: Shoot, sorry! I thought you were Gohma for a second…
Kaepora Gaebora: It’s all right. Anyways, my name is Kaepora Gaebora the owl. I’m here to help you guys out with your quest, all right? Let me give you some words of advice.
White: Sounds good! What advice do you have?
Kaepora Gaebora: *clears throat* Are you tired of your drudgy, everyday life? Do you need a BREAK? Then, visit the fabulous, amazing, and awe-inspiring HYRULE CASTLE TOWN! We have stores, angry mobs, a big fountain, wild dogs and chickens that roam the streets, dangerous back allies with bald men with facial hair, fat women and skinny men, and lots and lots of breakable pots! You could also try visiting the Caslte to see the beeeee-yoootiful Princess Zelda! Of course, if you even try to get near her, the heavily armed guards will throw you out… But give it a try anyways! Come one, come all, to the faaaaabulous Hyrule Castle town! Located directly east of the Kokiri Forest! (Admission fee is only 400 Rupees.)
Yellow: …Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. Can you repeat that?
Kaepora Gaebora: Sure thing! *clears throat*
White: Yellow! What’s wrong with you?
Kaepora Gaebora: Are you tired of your drudgy, everyday life? Do you need…
Yellow: Oops, sorry about that… here! *shoots Kaepora Gaebora with slingshot*
Kaepora Gaebora: *gets hit by slingshot* Hoot! *flies off*
White: Man, that was torture. At least now we know where the Princess is. Let’s go!
Yellow: Heh, know what rhymes with Kaepora Gaebora?
Yellow: Dang, how’d you know that one already?
As the four begin to cross Hyrule Field, the sun sets and it becomes nighttime.
Yellow: Hey! Who turned off the lights?
Navi: It’s nighttime, moron.
Stalchild: *comes out of the ground*Please… Please, kind travelers… If you could spare any money, I am poor and I need to feed my family…
Black: OH MY GOD A BIG MONSTER! *hacks Stalchild to pieces*
Stalchild: *several more come out of the ground* Please, have mercy… We only wish for a Rupee or two… We haven’t eaten for days…
Black: THEY’RE RAVENOUS AND THEY’RE GOING TO FEAST ON OUR FLESH! *killing spree*
Big Stalchild: *comes out of the ground* Please, sir, stop killing my friends, they are simple beggars and only wish for some money in order to not starve to death… If you have any kindness in your heart, you will…
Black: YAAAAAAAAA! *jump attacks and splits the Big Stalchild’s head in two*
Big Stalchild: You soul-less son of a *dies*
The four make it to Hyrule Castle just as the sun rises and the drawbridge comes down.
CHAPTER EIGHT: HYRULE CASTLE
White: Wow, the Hyrule Castle town! Kaepora whats-his-face was right- there are a lot of fat women here.
Fat woman: Hey! If I weren’t so out of shape, I’d run over there and snap that skinny little neck of yers!
White: …Okay, so you guys wanna just go straight to the castle?
Yellow: Yeah, sounds good.
The four go to the castle area.
Kaepora Gaebora: Hmm, hello there.
White: Oh, great… um… hi, Kaepora…
Kaepora Gaebora: The castle is that way.
Kaepora Gaebora: Now isn’t that a grrrreat castle? Beautiful, clear gray stone that gives a beautiful touch on an overall magestic and magnificent design! The king knew he had to have nothing but the best build his castle, so who did he call? …The Kakariko Carpenters! These four lazy slobs will work hard as long you keep their cash flow steady and high! Most of the time they’ll run around with wooden beams doing nothing, but they look pretty hunky when they do! Isn’t that reason enough? If you want a new home, and you’re willing to wait seven years for it to actually get done, call the Kakariko Carpenters!
*begins to sing jingle*
Kakariko Carpenters is our name,
Pretending that we’re working is our game!
We’ll build your house relatively fast,
As long as you give us lots of cash!
Black: Bravo. Now shoo.
Kaepora Gaebora: If you call now, you’ll get a -5% discount!
White: No! Now go away..
Kaepora Gaebora: Come on, guys, I work on commission here…
Yellow: You wanna get hit with a slingshot again?
Kaepora Gaebora: You guys are mean! *flies away*
Navi: Anyways, we’re going to have to climb up those vines and sneak into the castle.
White: Hey, who’s that girl?
Malon: My name is Malon.
White: Hi, Malon. How’s it goi-
Malon: My @#$%ing father fell asleep in the @#$%ing castle, AGAIN!
Black: Woah, maybe you should calm down there…
Malon: It’s so @#$%ing annoying! He’s such a @#$%!
Navi: Um, can we help? We’re going to sneak into the castle anyways…
Malon: Whatever. Here. Take this @#$%ing egg. *gives the Links an egg*
White: Um, what should we do with this?
Malon: How the @#$% should I know? Figure it out.
The four climb up the vine, onto the higher platform.
Black: She was pretty cute, huh?
Yellow: We’re not helping her.
White: …What? Why not?
Yellow: Think about it. What rhymes with Malon?
White: What is with you and your rhyming jokes-
Yellow: FELON, okay? Felon rhymes with Malon.
Black: Not really, there’s an A in one and an E in the other…
Yellow: It’s close enough! She’s probably a criminal, or a terrorist, and she probably wants to assassinate the king, and she’s just using us. And this egg is probably a bomb!
Navi: Or, y’know, it could possibly be an EGG.
Yellow: Why are you sticking up for them? You’re a girl!
Navi: So? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her. We might as well help her out.
Yellow: She curses like a sailor!
Black: She curses better than a sailor. Plus, she’s cute.
Yellow: If Ganondorf was cute, would you help him rule the world?
Black: Depends. How cute is he?
Yellow: …Forget it. Let’s just keep this egg right here, out of harm’s way, and…
White: *takes the egg from Yellow* I’m keeping that. Let’s just continue, shall we?
Yellow: You’re going to regret it…
The four begin to walk down the path.
Guard: Halt! Stop where you are!
Yellow: Oh, no we got caught! Quick, everyone put on cute, innocent little children faces!
*The three Links put on cute, innocent little children faces*
Guard: You’re gonna get a ass-whoopin now! I’ma whoop yo ass, then I’ma beat yo ass, then I’ma kick yo ass, then I’ma throw you in jail and shove the key up yo-
Guard 2: Awww, they’re just little children.
Guard: Awww, they’re so cute! We can’t beat them up.
Guard 2: Now, you children, listen up. You do this one more time, you’re going to get a time-out, okay?
Black: Big whoop.
Yellow: *whispers* Black! Stay in character!
White: We’re sowwy, Mr. Guard. We won’t do it again, I promise.
Guard: It’s okay, little guy. Now let’s go.
*The four get escorted outside the castle gates.*
Malon: What, are you guys so @#$%ing stupid that you can’t even @#$%ing get past the @#$%ing guards?
Yellow: Shut up, you convict! *quickly climbs the vines*
White: Just ignore him. We’ll find your dad as soon as we-
Malon: Just hurry the @#$% up, okay?
White: …Yes ma’am.
The four try again, and get to the moat.
Yellow: All right, we did it! We got past the guards unnoticed!
White: Yeah! If we can just continue without attracting attention…
Navi: LOOK! THE EGG YOU WERE HOLDING HATCHED INTO A CHICKEN! IT’S THE MIRACLE OF LIFE!
Guard: Hey hey hey! Who just said that?
White: You idiot! …Cute faces, everyone.
Guard: Oh, you are such naughty little children! You’re getting a time-out, and next time you’re going to have to get a spanking if you don’t behave!
Black: That’s just wonderful…
The four get escorted out the gate.
Guard: Now remember, you children have to go straight home so your parents can take care of you, okay?
White: Yeah, whatever.
Guard 2: Awwww, they’re just so adorable! *leaves*
Malon: I swear to @#$%ing god you guys are useless.
Yellow: Hey! One more word out of you and I’ll have the police on your ass before you can say “@#$%”! *quickly climbs the vines*
White: Sorry about him… This time, Navi, you keep your mouth shut.
Navi: Well sorry, but it WAS the miracle of life, you know.
Black: And if you start yelling again, you’re not going to enjoy the miracle of your life for long, got it?
CHAPTER NINE: INSIDE THE CASTLE
The four finally make it back to the side of the moat without being caught.
White: Finally! Okay, so now we have to figure out how to actually get into the castle, and… hey, who’s that fatty?
Yellow: Oh, that must be that felon’s dad.
White: She’s not a felon! …So, how do we wake him up?
Yellow: I don’t know, but let’s dip his hand in a cup of water so he-
White: No. Say, what about that chicken that hatched from the egg? *takes out chicken*
Chicken: Eh? What the @#$% do you want?
White: Uh, hi there, we were just wondering if-
Chicken: Well, hurry the @#$% up, I’m tired.
White: Could you wake that fat guy up for us, please?
Chicken: Well how the @#$% do you expect me to do that? I guess I’ll try, but before we do that, let’s dip his hand in a cup of water so he-
Chicken: …@#$%ing spoilsport. *crows*
Talon: Eh? What in @#$%ing tarnation’s going on?
Chicken: Rise and shine, sleepyhead.
Talon: Oh, great, that little @#$% of a daughter told you guys to wake me up, didn’t she?
White: Uh, yeah, Malon said-
Talon: She can’t just @#$%ing leave me alone, can she? Harumph! *leaves*
Chicken: If that’s done, then I’m getting the @#$% out of here. *leaves*
Navi: Why is everyone so explicit around here?
Black: I have no @#$%ing idea.
Navi: …Please don’t.
White: Okay, guys, let’s push those crates he left behind and enter the castle through that little entrance over there.
*The four push the crates into position, and enter the castle.*
Yellow: Heh, you guys know what rhymes with Deku Tree?
Black: No, what?
Navi: Guys! There are guards up ahead. They’re walking around bushes. How should we get past them?
White: I think we should spend a little time memorizing the movement patterns of the guards, and combine those with the areas where there are bushes that we can hide behind. We can then make a blueprint, and calculate our subsequent course of action.
Black: I think we should just go kamikaze and run through like a maniac.
Yellow: …I don’t know what “subsequent” means, so let’s go with Black’s plan!
*The four quickly run past some of the guards, but get caught by one of the guards midway.*
White: Innocent children faces, guys.
Guard: Hey! You kids can’t be here! I’m going to have to arrest you and…
White: We’re sowwy, Mr. Guard. We won’t-
Guard: Shaddup! I see those swords you guys have! You’re going to assassinate the king, aren’t you?
Yellow: No, sir, we’re just cute, rosy-cheeked little kids!
Guard: Shaddup! Put your hands behind your back.
Black: *whacks the guard on the head with the dull side of the sword*
Guard: Oof! *falls to the ground, unconscious*
Guard 2: What’s all the ruckus over there?
White: Thanks, Black. Come on, let’s hurry up!
*The four make it to a courtyard, where the Princess Zelda is.*
White: Hello, Princess. My name is White, and these are my friends…
Zelda: Oh… you’re, like, the boys that the security guards were, like, telling me about, aren’t you?
White: …The security guards were talking about us?
Zelda: Yeah, like, you knocked out some guard and, like, everyone thinks your assassins or kidnappers. They told me to, like, hide, but I didn’t, like, think you’d find me here, y’know?
White: Heh, don’t worry. We’re not-
Zelda: So if you’re going to, like, rape me, let’s get it over with, okay? *takes off shirt*
White: WOAH! Zelda, we’re NOT criminals, okay? The Deku Tree sent us here to meet you!
Zelda: Oh! I, like, totally knew that. So, come over here, okay?
Zelda: You see that, like, creepy green dude? His name is Ganondorf. He’s like, a total suck-up to my dad, who’s like the King or whatever. Everyone thinks he’s, like, totally cool, but I know what he really wants.
Zelda: No, he wants to rule the world. See, like, there’s this Triforce thingamajigger, and to get it, you have to get these three spiritual stones, and like, the Ocarina of Time, which is a royal family heirloom or whatever. Then you go to, like, the Temple of Time and do something or the other and, like, become all-powerful.
Black: Heh, she still hasn’t realized she’s not wearing a shirt…
White: So Ganondorf is trying to get the Ocarina of Time from your father. What should we do?
Zelda: You should, like, get the other stones. I know you got one from that Tree or whatever, so like, go to the Gorons and the Zoras and get the others, okay?
White: Sounds like a challenge, but we’ll do it.
Zelda: Oh, and I should teach you this song. It’s this lullaby, that, like, my parents sang to me when I was, like, little, y’know? It goes like this: *plays Zelda’s Lullaby on Ocarina* Did you like it?
Navi: Wake up, you morons!
White: …Huh? Oh, right. Great lullaby. Really effective. *yawns*
Zelda: Yeah, whatever. Go save the world, okay? I gotta go to my ninja class.
Yellow: Huh? Ninja class? Why are you in a ninja class?
Zelda: Just in case I ever need to disguise myself in, like, a tight blue outfit and, like, perform gravity-defying stunts to conceal my identity.
Impa: Hey, guys, I’m going to escort you out the castle. And princess, you forgot to put your shirt back on again.
Zelda: Not again! *puts shirt on*
White: How often does that happen?
Impa: At least once a week.
Impa escorts them outside the castle gates
Impa: Good luck, you guys. We’re counting on you. *leaves*
Navi: Say, before we go to the Gorons’ place, why don’t we go find Saria again?
Black: Do you want me to list all four hundred reasons that come to mind, or a summarized version?
Navi: We might as well. I’m a little homesick, aren’t you guys?
White: Okay, fine. Let’s go.
*The four begin to leave the castle area
Talon: …and maybe if you actually @#$%ing helped out around the ranch, I wouldn’t be working my @#$%ing @#$% off and I wouldn’t be falling asleep!
Malon: I am @#$%ing working! Why don’t you get that lazy @#$%, Ingo, to do something?
Talon: He’s doing twice as much work as you, you ungrateful little @#$%! And the only “work” you do is “@#$%ing around with those @#$%ing horses of yours!
Yellow: There’s no happier sight than a joyfully reunited father and daughter.
Malon: @#$% you!